


Just One Touch

by Magnetism_bind



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Control Kink, Developing Relationship, Dream Sex, Emotionally Repressed, Episode Related, Even after everything, Forced Orgasm, Friendship, Hand & Finger Kink, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, Jealousy, Just All Of Them, Light Bondage, Longing, Love Confessions, Lust, M/M, Masturbation, Meant To Be, Memories, Mind Meld, Mutual Pining, Nostalgia, Orgasm Control, Orgasm Delay/Denial, POV Alternating, Past Relationship(s), Pon Farr, Regret, Relationship Negotiation, Repressed Desires, Reunions, Rough Sex, Sequel, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Slow Sex, So many emotions, True Love, Wrestling, Yearning, particularly in one scene in part 5, so many feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-10 09:55:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20526095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magnetism_bind/pseuds/Magnetism_bind
Summary: 17 years after their time on Starbase 7 Jim Kirk is reunited with the Vulcan who broke his teenage heart.





	Just One Touch

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to Don't Ever Look Back.
> 
> Just a head's up. This fic is very episode-connected, particularly the TOS episodes Where No Man Has Gone Before/The Menagerie/The Conscience of a King/Court-martial and Amok Time.
> 
> Happy Spirk Day! <3

_Part 1: Reunited_

Kirk stares at the name on the list. He’s read the line where it appears on the ship manifest three times. _Science officer: Spock._ Maybe it’s a common name, maybe this is a complete coincidence. Possibly he’s even dreaming like he has so many times before. Perhaps…

“My first officer is…”

“A Vulcan, yes.” The commodore nods. He pauses, giving Kirk a measured glance. “I assumed you wouldn’t have a problem with it.”

“Not at all, sir.” Kirk assures him promptly. He doesn’t have a problem with Vulcans in general. Just…one. It’s not even a problem per se. Not worth mentioning at all here. Purely a personal matter that happened so long ago it often feels like it happened to someone else altogether. He hasn’t thought of Spock in god knows how long.

He takes a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. “Tell me about him, sir.”

“He’s the first Vulcan admitted to Starfleet. Something of an unusual case I admit, but he’s been a valuable member of Captain Pike’s crew for many years now. I assure you, you’ll be glad to have him at your side.”

“I see.” Kirk murmurs. His mind’s still reeling with this discovery. Spock is in Starfleet; he’s _been_ in Starfleet this whole time. Not only that, aboard the Enterprise? How the hell has Kirk never encountered him before now?

* * *

Once he’s back in his own quarters Kirk requests Spock’s full personnel file and reads it avidly. Over the last seventeen years or so, Spock’s been busy indeed. There is only a brief mention of the Vulcan Science Academy, listed under Spock’s formal education records. He has indeed been at Starfleet, only a few classes ahead of Kirk. All that time, and Spock had been just within reach if he had only known.

Seventeen years. Kirk leans back in his chair. It’s incredible. He can barely believe it. After all this time he’s going to stand face to face with Spock once more. He _can’t _believe it. It doesn’t seem real. They’ll face each other and then…

And then _what?_ The Enterprise is supposed to ship out in less than two weeks, but Kirk can’t let that happen without discussing the events of the past with Spock. He can’t expect Spock to serve under him without that courtesy at least. He should contact him and do that immediately.

Yet even now Kirk hesitates, because now that he knows Spock is actually here, there’s a slender thread of fear curling its way throughout his core. That Spock doesn’t remember him as Kirk remembers him in turn, or worse, Spock remembers him all too well.

* * *

The days pass as the Enterprise is readied for its next five year mission. Kirk waits, and waits, because he’s still uncertain over what to do. What’s he supposed to do in a situation like this? There’s no precedent for it. Part of him is tempted to just let it rest and see what happens once they’ve started their voyage. But he can’t do that. It’s not fair to Spock. He can’t go into deep space with a man he remembers as being one of the best sexual partners he’s ever encountered, and just expect everything to be fine and dandy between them. He’s the captain now, even if he still can’t believe that either. It’s his responsibility to broach the subject with Spock, so broach it he will.

But what if it’s simply a coincidence? What if it’s not the Spock he knew back on Starbase 7? There’s no way there can be two Vulcans with that name, can there? He knows it’s not possible but what if there was? How can he take that chance unless he’s certain? The uncertainty eats at Kirk as he readies himself for the mission.

Finally, two days before they’re supposed to ship out, Kirk sends a message to Spock requesting to see him in his temporary quarters. Spock’s reply is quick and matter-of-fact, nothing to be gleaned from it at all. It’s not helpful.

* * *

Spock is prompt. Kirk’s still changing when there’s a quiet knock at his door.

He pulls his shirt down and takes a deep breath. He can do this; _he’s captain of the USS Enterprise_.

Kirk opens the door. The Vulcan standing there in the doorway, hands clasped behind his back as he waits, is no longer a youth, but a grave, intelligent looking man. Kirk is frozen, lost in a painful wave of nostalgia and, surprisingly, unbearably strong regret. How can he have forgotten Spock? Not that he had ever truly forgotten him, but he _had _pushed the memories of the Vulcan youth to the furthest recesses of his mind where they didn’t hurt as much as they once had.

“Mr. Spock.” He manages at last. At least his voice is calm.

“Captain Kirk.” The Vulcan regards him with steady eyes.

The voice is deeper, but the face, so impassive, and dignified – there’s no recognition, no nothing. It’s him, it has to be him. Kirk would swear to it. There’s no way there are two Vulcans with the same name running around with eyes like that. He’d know those eyes if it were the end of the world.

“Come in.” He stands aside so Spock can enter and closes the door behind him. Now that he has Spock here…now what?

“Please.” He gestures to a chair, but Spock remains standing so he does too.

Spock nods slightly at him, clearly waiting for Kirk to speak first.

“I…” Kirk fumbles for what he was intending to say. He had assumed once Spock realized it was him, he would immediately want a transfer, but this implacable, formidable Spock doesn’t seem the slightest bit bothered by the recognition of his captain.

Spock _has_ to recognize him, right?

“Thank you for obliging my request.” He says at last. “I’m sure you have a great many things to do before the Enterprise departs.”

“My personal obligations will be seen to before then, Captain.”

“Of course.” Kirk hesitates, remembering too the sort of background Spock comes from. “I was wondering if you have any concerns about our imminent departure and upcoming mission.” There, that’s a perfect opening. He waits, expectantly. Of course Spock will have concerns.

“Why would I be concerned, captain? You have an excellent record so far. Surely Starfleet would not have appointed you as captain of the Enterprise if you were not fully capable of the job.”

The ‘so far’ rankles. Kirk squelches that irritation and perseveres in spite of it. “You’ve served with Captain Pike for several years, I believe. I would have understood if you had desired a promotion after his departure.” Heck, now that he knows Spock was Pike’s right hand, Kirk doesn’t understand how _he_ got the job in the first place. Spock would have been the logical choice for captain.

“In spite of my eleven years with Captain Pike, I have no desire for promotion to the captain’s chair.” Spock’s voice remains perfectly steady as he regards his new captain. “The position of command is not one I wish or intend to pursue.”

“I see.” Kirk nods to himself. At least he believes Spock on that account. It eases a little of the pressure that’s been weighing on him ever since he learned of Spock’s placement on the Enterprise, but lack of advancement. He’d wondered if it was xenophobic in nature, that Starfleet would tolerate a Vulcan within its ranks, but not at the helm of one of its most prized starships. If Spock is truly content with his current position though, perhaps it’s only that and nothing else.

“So no other pressing matters to discuss?” He still has to make sure Spock holds no particular ill feelings or uncomfortable memories.

“Captain?” Spock is apparently oblivious to what he’s referencing.

“You’re not making this easy on me, are you?” Kirk scratches at his jaw. Damn it, he should have just come out and asked the moment Spock walked into the room. Now it feels impossible to say aloud. It’s unbelievable strange to be having this conversation after all this time.

“I apologize if you think I am making anything more difficult on purpose, captain. I am not entirely sure what you mean.”

“No reservations about going into space with me?” Kirk leans forward. Can he say it any plainer than that? Does he really have to?

_I taught you how to rim me for god’s sake, and you’re okay with this mission?_

“As I stated previously, you hold an excellent record.”

“Is that all?” Kirk can’t believe this. But if Spock doesn’t want to talk about it, and apparently doesn’t want a transfer, and Kirk himself certainly doesn’t want to give up the Enterprise, does he push it?

There’s the faintest pause. Nothing noticeable, but Kirk is entirely focused upon Spock, so he catches the smallest shadow of hesitation that crosses Spock’s eyes.

At last Spock speaks. “Are you referring to the time spent on Starbase 7, Captain?”

“Yes.” Kirk states, half relieved, half embarrassed now that it’s confirmed that they’ve slept together on multiple occasions. He’s also starting to be annoyed by the way Spock calls him “Captain”, which is irrational.

“Is there any problem with that?” His hands sweat and he wishes he’d thought to have a drink before Spock showed. A little liquid courage would go a long way right about now.

“I understand these matters can be embarrassing for humans.” Spock counters. “Do you wish me to apply for a transfer off the Enterprise?”

Kirk shakes his head adamantly. “If you don’t want one, then, no.”

"Do you have a problem with it?" Spock's tone is perfectly respectful, but something about it sets Kirk off. That's it, Spock expects him to not be able to handle it because he's human.

"None whatsoever." He says, firmly. "I merely wanted to check with you before we start our mission." He can handle anything Spock can, especially something like this.

"Your concern is not necessary," Spock says after a moment, "but I thank you." He pauses again, as though considering something, but all he says next is, “If that is all, captain, I will see you at departure time." He turns towards the door.

"Very good, Mr. Spock."

Spock gives him a final nod and takes his leave. Kirk waits until the door has closed before sinking down into his chair. What has he gotten himself into?

The real question is – _can _he actually do this? Go into deep space for five years alongside someone he’d been so intimate with? Someone he had had _feelings_ for? Strong feelings, if he admitted it…Feelings that he’s never admitted to another living soul. Feelings he doesn’t want to think about, even now.

Kirk leans back in his chair, rubbing at his eyes as he stares at the ceiling. Ignoring the personal aspect for the moment he moves on. Alright then, the big picture. Spock has served aboard the Enterprise for eleven years. He knows the ship, knows the crew. His experience will be invaluable. Beyond that, his record as a science officer is impeccable. Even if Kirk wanted someone else to take the position, no other prospective crew member would be half as suitable. Spock is the right choice. For the Enterprise, for the mission, it’s the only option that makes sense. As for himself, well, this isn’t about him. This is about the good of the ship.

Finally Kirk opens the drawer on his desk and draws out the small bottle of Antarean brandy that Sam had sent him upon hearing that he’d been appointed as captain. He pours a small glass and studies it.

He can do this. He’s lived with the ghost of Spock before. He can work beside someone who barely resembles the Spock he remembers. It may not be easy at first, but he can do it.

Kirk takes a sip, silently toasting the future. To the mission, and the many adventures ahead…

* * *

Spock watches the city out of the viewport as he returns to his hotel.

His affairs will all be in order by the time the Enterprise departs, that much is true. In fact they’re in order now. He’s already sent the appropriate farewell messages to his mother, knowing she would pass them along to his father. It’s simply another mission for him, and nothing more.

Even the presence of James T. Kirk as the new captain of the Enterprise is not any cause for apprehension.

Spock has reasoned it thus. At this point in life Kirk had most likely engaged in a further 15-20 various sexual experiences/partners at least since that summer. Allowing for time and fluctuating data, possibly more. The chance of Kirk attaching any significant importance to their shared experience is slight. While Spock doesn't believe he’d be lucky enough for the captain to have forgotten it entirely, he also finds it unlikely that Kirk will have any major difficulties with his presence on the ship. Spock’s prepared for a certain amount of embarrassment, as he knows humans often regret the youthful indiscretions of their past.

What he isn’t prepared for is Kirk himself.

Spock stands in front of the window in his chamber, barely taking in the view. He sees instead a man now when he remembers a youth of extraordinary appeal. He doesn’t often intentionally draw upon those particular memories unless it is useful. Now, he allows himself the curious luxury of remembering James T Kirk as he was at seventeen.

Spock counts himself fortunate that he doesn’t seem to bear any lasting physical or mental remnants of that sexual relationship. He had considered the possibility at the time, and the preliminary meeting with Kirk had been an experiment of sorts. In the moment there had been nothing. It was as though they had never been in a room together before, let alone touched in any sort of intimate manner. The end result only serves to enforce Spock’s conclusion that there is nothing erroneous about his decision to remain aboard the Enterprise. He and the captain will be civil to each other and nothing more.

There is nothing about that to regret, and certainly nothing more to wish for.

* * *

The night before the Enterprise sets sail once again there’s a party held in the main Starfleet lounge. Kirk enjoys himself though he’s still overwhelmingly aware of the newness of his appointment. He is a young captain by Starfleet’s standards, and he’s conscious of needing to remain within the perimeters of rank while also wishing to make a good impression upon his crew.

As the evening progresses and he makes his way through the assembled groups of people however, he can’t help noticing that the crew also seems pleased about the appointment. If there are any doubts about his ability to captain the Enterprise it’s not in the majority. If there had been any doubt to that Spock would have voiced it when they had spoken. The thought is reassuring even as Kirk wonders at himself for having it to begin with.

He accepts a drink from a passing server and continues his way through the crowd. Halfway across the room he gets caught up in a conversation with some former classmates, eager to congratulate him on the promotion. People he hasn’t seen in years. Hartman, Jones, others whose names he can’t remember. It doesn’t feel that long ago and yet sometimes it seems like centuries have passed since his academy days.

“How do you like your crew?” Hartman nods across the room where a few Enterprise crewmembers are gathered around the open bar.

“I think we’ll get along very well.” Kirk’s read the files on the major bridge members. He’s confident they will continue to do as well under his command as they have under Pike’s. The other new members who have signed on seem more than promising in their turn.

“They seem capable enough.” Jones puts in. “Even the Vulcan.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kirk inquires. He’s aware of the tension gathering at the back of his neck, like it's been waiting for this moment.

"Well, you know." One of the others mentions. “He’s half human after all.”

"As a matter of fact I did know that about Mr. Spock." Kirk responds. "What of it?"

"Nothing," the man shrugs, "Simply that..." He trails off when he sees the look in Kirk's eyes.

"Keep it that way, mister." Kirk turns and makes his way over to the drinks station. He takes a deep breath, allowing his shoulders to relax. Alright so it maybe hadn't been his place to correct the man’s attitude but all the same.

He pours a quick cup of plain fruit punch and drinks it down. It reminds him of when they were young and Spock had been concerned about the effect his presence would have on Kirk’s social standing. If he was concerned about that level of interaction, how were his years at the Academy? There are so many questions Kirk’s suddenly dying to ask, knowing perfectly well he’ll most likely never get an answer. Spock’s file can’t tell him that.

* * *

Spock stands to one side in the alcove. He can tell the humans were unaware he could hear them. The comments don’t give him the slightest pause. He's used to it, and these are the more innocuous sort. Perhaps he wouldn't have bothered listening, but hearing his name coupled with Kirk's voice had been ultimately too tempting to resist.

It would appear Kirk still endeavors to make him feel at home despite the years that have passed and the manner with which Spock had parted from him.

Spock studies the glass in his hand speculatively. He’s made the right decision in staying on the Enterprise. It would appear that Kirk has indeed become the leader he imagined him capable of becoming.

* * *

Over the first few weeks in space Spock continues to remain confident of that early formed opinion. Pike was a good captain, but there’s something special about Kirk that draws his crew in. They would follow him anywhere and frequently do. They admire him, but they also respect him. Beyond that, they simply _like_ him. It’s a rare thing.

Spock finds himself puzzling over it more than once. What is it about James Kirk that encourages others to want to do better in his presence? His charisma, yes. He is a man incapable of hiding his enthusiasm for life and the universe around him. And that enthusiasm is eternally boundless. In another person it might be thought over-exuberant or even possibly, a front, but Kirk truly is fascinated by the universe, curious about everything it contains and it spills out of him like a freshwater spring.

Spock in his turn, finds it hard to ignore the presence of his own past curiosity and fascination with Kirk.

He had become aware of Kirk’s presence at the academy at the start of his final semester. It was fortunate that it was timed so, otherwise it might have been more difficult to avoid the human. As it was, Spock learned his schedule and simply kept out of his way. It was not difficult for the most part. Kirk wasn’t expecting to see him after all.

Kirk did well. Spock had made note of that when he graduated, and from that point he’d no longer kept track of Kirk. He would join a crew and travel far away, and Spock wouldn’t have to remember the way his mouth tasted, or how his hands were so generous in their touches.

For a while it seems that was the end of it. Kirk had indeed left the academy and joined a crew, and that was that.

It would seem that fate however, had other plans. From the first moment Spock learns of the new captaincy of the Enterprise, he had known that things would change. It was impossible for them not to change now that this factor had been introduced. Humans were incapable of leaving matters as they are.

All the same, Spock is reluctant to give up his position aboard Enterprise. It had been mildly difficult in the social sense to achieve the placement he has now, both due to the undercurrents of xenophobia within Starfleet and the disappointment he knows his father still holds, if Sarek thinks of him at all. Spock doesn’t know what his mother thinks of the matter; he tries not to.

However if Kirk requires him to transfer, he will do so of course.

He waits for the summons, and it never comes, and Spock can’t help wondering if perhaps he has merely been forgotten. Perhaps Kirk thinks there are many Vulcans with his name, and that there is no connection between the science officer and himself.

By the time Kirk had finally sent him a message Spock had almost convinced himself of that.

Now here they are, set off in space together. Five years of whatever adventures the universe has to offer. It will be different experience serving with Kirk than it was with Pike. Of that much at least, Spock is certain.

_Part 2: Friendship and Romance Aboard the Enterprise_

It also occurs to Spock that his younger self had been particularly circumspect in selecting Kirk to experiment with as he had. Many humans would not have kept his private matters confidential in such a circumstance. Especially after the way Spock had departed without even a farewell.

Kirk is different.

Spock’s reminded of this on one of the few occasions where he deigns to join the bridge crew in the rec room. (He sees little purpose in such activities, but Kirk thinks it’s good for the officers and crew members to be able to relax together as well as apart, so Spock joins them sometimes.)

The socialization is not without any merit. He’s found it a useful way to observe Kirk when he’s not on duty. Kirk is still very much aware that he’s the captain on these occasions, as he should be, but there is a lessening to the tension in his shoulders, in his bearing. He’s indeed more relaxed in these situations and Spock finds that unnecessarily pleasing to see.

What’s less pleasing for matters he can’t discern is seeing how close the captain and his first officer are.

Gary Mitchell is well liked by the rest of the crew, no doubt, and he has the added advantage of having spent time with Kirk at the Academy. Nevertheless, his easy familiarity with the captain and the informal way he speaks to Kirk are not particularly enjoyable to Spock.

On this particular occasion, Mitchell is regaling the group with a tale of his romantic exploits. As the lady in question isn’t present, perhaps it would not seem excruciating to her, but Spock can’t help speculating on this human need to share what Vulcans would consider an intimate experience. If Kirk had been like Mitchell…

He finds his gaze wandering toward the captain on more than one instance during the conversation.

For the most part Kirk seems faintly amused by Mitchell’s story, but then he catches Spock’s eye and his expression turns thoughtful.

“And that was how I spent one of my best shore leaves ever.” Mitchell concludes. Another crew member claps him on the back and they share a laugh as others chime in with comments that Spock catalogs as immature and distasteful.

Spock wouldn’t presume to voice his opinion on a conversation that he’s taken no previous part in but for some unfathomable reason Mitchell turns to him next, mischief in his eyes. “Well, Mr. Spock, what do you think of my tale?”

The crew often finds it amusing to see how the Vulcan will react to certain things, and this is no different. Spock’s familiar with this sort of exercise and it has no effect on him.

“One can only hope your shore leaves will prove more instructive in the future and less unpurposed.” 

Mitchell only laughs again.

“You don’t approve, Mr. Spock?” Lt. Uhura inquires. She at least isn’t poking fun, merely curious about the Vulcan culture. Of all the crew members present Spock would be most inclined to explain customs and traditions to Uhura, but not in front of the others.

He shrugs slightly. “It is not my place to either approve or disapprove of Mr. Mitchell’s romantic dalliances, Lieutenant.”

“What he means is,” McCoy interjects with a smirk. “He doesn’t see the point in engaging in in such things.”

Mitchell chuckles. “He would have if he had seen this woman.”

“Surely though,” Uhura starts.

“Vulcans are above such physical matters.” McCoy goes on. “They’re not like us mere humans.”

Spock sees little point in enlightening him. He merely listens, one eyebrow raised, to the doctor expound upon a subject in which McCoy apparently considers himself fairly knowledgeable. Kirk on the other hand seems more and more discomfited by the turn of the conversation. He has been placed in something of a dilemma, Spock realizes. Kirk could easily disprove McCoy’s statement that Vulcans refrained from sexual pursuits and are disinclined to engage in them entirely, but to do so would break his confidence with Spock and for some reason Spock is certain that Kirk will do no such thing.

Spock feels an unexpected warmth gather in his chest. Even as he also knows how frustrating it is for Kirk not to be able to defend him as he would any other crew member who he feels is being unfairly treated. Another man would have spoken unendingly of all that had been shared between them. Kirk is a rare human indeed.

“If you will excuse me,” Kirk says, at last, and then stands. “Perhaps, Doctor McCoy, Vulcans simply find it more worthwhile to pursue a course of action than to merely sitting around discussing it.” He nods at the crew and leaves the room.

“What the hell was that about?” Mitchell asks.

McCoy shakes his head. “I think it wouldn’t hurt him to get a little physical.” He winks at Mitchell who just chuckles.

Spock takes his leave after that.

* * *

The topic that McCoy raises is one he’s already calculated. Taking into account the length of the mission, and the populations of the bases where they refuel, it is only a matter of time before Kirk engages in a romantic engagement. At the beginning of the mission Spock had told himself that this would be of no more interest than that of furthering his collection of personal data on the nature of the captain.

Now he finds that is not entirely the case. Oh, the inclination is still there to organize and file Kirk’s likes and desires. But how is Spock to account for the purely unscientific curiosity that he possesses to know what sort of person Kirk will choose?

In the beginning there is enough data to suggest that Kirk might have started a relationship with his first officer. They are intimate, but not as intimate as Spock had thought. He’s seen Mitchell leaving Kirk’s room late at night on more than occasion, but there has been nothing about his appearance to suggest that he and the captain had engaged in sexual activity.

It’s still a possibility of course. Spock can’t deny that, even though he would like to say that there is nothing between Gary Mitchell and Kirk for reasons he can’t entirely categorize other than beyond the fact that Mitchell isn’t worthy of Kirk.

* * *

In the end, Spock doesn’t get his answer for several more months. Not until they’re escorting Ambassador Io to Rylan 4 for a conference. From the moment the woman arrived on board Spock is aware of the captain’s heightened interest. He has cataloged Kirk’s body language too well not to be fully aware of what’s happening.

It is no surprise to find them in the corridor together talking as he leaves the lab one night. Kirk smiles at the woman, a smile Spock has not seen in some time. The sight of it here gives him no pleasure.

"The stars are quite lovely from the observation deck." Kirk remarks, and then catches sight of Spock over her shoulder. He flushes abruptly, clearly remembering another time he told someone about the stars.

Spock pauses, and then steps forward. “Captain, I have no wish to intrude, but the reports on the planet’s terrain are finished.”

“Thank you, Mr. Spock.”

Ambassador Io touches Kirk’s arm. “I’ll wait for you on the observation deck.”

“Are you sure?”

She nods, smiling. Her hand lingers and Spock wonders at her ability to touch Kirk so easily.

Kirk watches her go before turning to Spock. “Very well then, the reports.”

They fall into step together. Spock waits a moment before speaking again. "My intention was not to interrupt, Captain."

"I know that, Mr. Spock." Kirk punches the button for the turbo lift. "It can wait."

* * *

The silence in the lift is only awkward in Kirk's imagination. Spock has made it very clear that the past mattered very little. It doesn't matter in the slightest what Kirk does or with whom. They are crew members and nothing more.

No, that’s wrong. Whatever they were in the past, they _are_ still crew members and that matters. The two of them are part of a team. That is just as important as prospective romantic relationship with someone else. He can have both, maintain both, respect both.

Kirk nods to himself as he steps off the lift. “Uhura, the reports on the stationary levels, please.” He watches Spock return to his station on the bridge, giving Uhura a brief smile when she hands him the report.

It’s unfair to Ambassador Io that he’s so easily distracted by his science officer. It’s unfair to anyone that he’s considering kissing, which was very much in his mind before Spock had appeared in the corridor. He looks away from Spock quickly, turning his attention to the reports.

* * *

  
  
Kirk tries to put this all out of his mind when he eventually reaches the observation deck later than intended. The stars are very lovely today and Io is very lovely too. 

She smiles at him as he goes to her. "Good report?"

"Good enough." Kirk moves in beside her. "Was I right?"

"Very." Io gazes at the stars. "They are beautiful and you're preoccupied."

Kirk considers protesting but she's right. He is. Whatever Spock's intentions, he contributed to it and now Kirk’s mind is wandering far from its original intention.

"I'm sorry." Is all he can offer.

"Don't be. I enjoyed the view and I find the Enterprise very pleasant for a starship." She offers him a smile.

Kirk laughs. "I'll accept that as a compliment on her behalf."

They stand there, enjoying the stars together a while longer even if the mood is no longer romantic.

* * *

  
  
Spock stays on the bridge longer than necessary that shift. He lingers until even Uhura gives him a questioning look. At last he leaves the bridge, but with no true destination in mind. He could go to his cabin and work on personal research. For some reason, he can't. He could go to the science lab, but one of the ensigns exploded something earlier and it's still being cleaned.

Instead he goes to the only place aboard the Enterprise he has studiously avoided after Kirk became captain, a place he’s certain there is no possibility of Kirk visiting tonight.

Unfortunately the gymnasium is not empty as Spock had hoped. He stands there in the doorway gazing at the sight of Kirk working out as though it were a complete anomaly. This is not where the captain is supposed to be; all the data suggested he would accompany Ambassador Io either to her suite, or she would accompany Kirk to his. This is…Spock has no explanation for why Kirk is instead here working out.

Kirk swings down from the rings and catches sight of him.

For an instant it's as though no time has passed at all. They are there in that first moment again, watching each other across the room.

It's Kirk who unfreezes first, to Spock's personal chagrin.

"We don't see you down here very often, Spock." He reaches for his water container. "In the mood for a workout?" It slips out easily. It wouldn't mean anything at all if not for before. Kirk belatedly kicks himself for it.

"I...did not think to see you here tonight, captain." Spock still hasn't moved further than a step inside the door.

"Oh?" Kirk cocks his head at him. "Where else would I be?"

It's a silly question. There are numerous locations aboard the Enterprise where the captain could be found, but the only one Spock can think of is hardly suitable to say. He remains silent.

"Very well.” Kirk says after a moment. He reaches for his towel. "I'll leave you to it.”

“There is no need for you to end your exercise session on my behalf.” Spock says.

Kirk hesitates as though there’s something more he wishes to say, but he refrains. “I was finished.” He offers Spock a friendly enough smile and leaves.

Spock stands there, gazing at the standard issue exercise mats, not wanting to move any closer to them. He’s worked out in the gym since joining the Enterprise, naturally. He just usually does it at hours differing from the usual timetable.

But with Kirk’s recent proximity, he has no desire to do that tonight. Merely the sight of the mats is enough to make him remember how they felt under his hands and knees, how Kirk felt when he entered him. The heat of his body as it was joined to Spock’s.

Spock closes his eyes, clasping his hands behind his back. This line of thought is unacceptable. It has no place here.

He stands there with his eyes closed until at last he can open them and the mat is just a mat, there are no pressing memories there to haunt him.

_Part 3: Where No Man Has Gone Before_

“First officer Spock to the captain’s quarters, if you please.” He steps away from the intercom.

_His_ first officer. Kirk can’t deny the thrill of pride he feels at the thought of Spock standing by his side. Some of the crew won’t understand why he’s promoted the Vulcan to first officer when he already holds the position of science officer, but Spock can easily do both jobs. Kirk knows it. He’s sorry for what happened with Mitchell, but it’s done with now.

At least, officially it’s done. Unofficially Kirk is still grieving the loss of his friend, but that’s a private grief. He’ll keep it to himself. There’s also the less important, but still frustrating side revelation that Gary had orchestrated that little romance of Kirk’s with the girl back at the Academy. Just thinking about it stings more than Kirk wants to admit. If he talks to anyone about any of this, it’ll be Bones much later and with a drink. He doesn’t want to think about it anymore right now; he wants to focus on the future.

He waits impatiently and at last there’s a buzz at the door before Spock enters the room.

“You wished to see me, captain?”

“As a matter of fact, I did, Mr. Spock. I wanted to congratulate on your promotion to first officer.” It’s not the only thing he wants to say, but he says it first, in the hopes it will make the second a little easier to admit.

Spock inclines his head. “I thank you, even if the rest of the crew deems it premature in light of Mitchell’s death.” It matters little to him what the crew thinks, but he had reasoned Kirk should be made aware of their views nonetheless.

Kirk nods. “I know they do, but now is now and we have to move forward.” He turns to his sideboard. “Would you join me in a toast?”

There’s a pause and then, “If you like.”

“I would like.” Kirk pours them each a brandy. Briefly, in spite of himself, a memory surfaces.

_"Perhaps you would not object then, in showing me what you would usually do."_

_"You mean you want me to seduce you this time?”_

Resolutely, Kirk pushes the memory aside. The past _is_ past. And now here he is, captain and Spock at his side. It’s not a bad turn of events at all. It should be enough. He’s confident it will be enough in time.

He takes a sip of brandy, readying himself to say the second thing, the necessary thing. “I wanted to apologize for before, what I said.”

“No apology is necessary, captain.” Spock murmurs.

Kirk wants to tell Spock to call him Jim as there’s no need for formality, but that also brings back the past. If he’s honest, he likes hearing his first name in Spock’s voice, likes the memory of it at any rate. Can’t help wondering what it would be like to hear it now.

“I disagree.” He had been inexcusably rude to Spock. Even now recalling the words he’d spoken to Spock make him regret the whole conversation. _Will you try for one moment to feel, like you have a heart? _

Spock remains silent and Kirk soldiers on. “What I said was insensitive and heartless, which was unpardonable when I was accusing you of having no heart.”

Kirk sighs, feeling at a loss. Spock had only been trying to warn him and in response Kirk had thrown his being Vulcan in his face. How could he have been so callous? “You tried to warn me, and I ignored it until it was too late, putting my crew in danger.”

Spock inclines his head. “I merely said what you already knew.”

“Sometimes that’s the hardest thing to do.” Kirk murmurs. He hadn’t wanted to admit it, not until he absolutely had to. Even now he doesn’t want to think of it, but he must. He _must_. He requested Gary’s presence on the ship. In a way, his death is partly Kirk’s fault. He stares at his drink now, wishing he could down it in one go, and pour another, but it’s meant to be a celebration, not downing his sorrows. That can wait till later. Bones will understand.

“You left me unconscious until you had pursued Mitchell.” Spock breaks the silence first.

Kirk squares his shoulders. “I did.”

“Because you knew I would insist on accompanying you.”

“That’s right.” He continues to study his brandy, knowing Spock is studying him.

“You were right.” Spock says quietly. He would have accompanied Kirk in an attempt to protect him, and he wouldn’t have hesitated to kill Mitchell if he’d had the chance. While the odds are strong that he would have succeeded, there’s a chance that the outcome would have been very different. As it is, the captain is alive and relatively unharmed.

For that, Spock is thankful. For the moment that is enough. He gazes at Kirk, wondering if he should say more than that. At last he adds, “Beyond that, you defended me earlier to Dr. Dehner. I know that your words later were spoken out of your emotional grief for what was happening to Mitchell.”

Kirk smiles slightly, but it doesn’t quite touch his eyes. “Always so perceptive, Mr. Spock.” He glances away and for a moment Spock considers touching his hand, his arm, something, anything. Just to touch him. He keeps his hands on his glass, unable to specify the thought satisfactorily.

“Mitchell’s ability to know what I was thinking,” Kirk shakes his head. “He could read my mind, and yet...”

“You seem disconcerted by the idea.” Here is the opening that Spock has considered ever since Kirk was first appointed captain of the Enterprise. If ever Spock is going to attempt to explain why he had kept his telepathy a secret before, this is the time. He waits a moment longer, considering how to phrase it, how to explain how he’s left it unsaid for so long. 

“I consider my mind pretty private.” Kirk admits. “The idea that someone could just do that, it’s a little uncomfortable to say the least.” He shrugs it off, but the idea is clearly more than merely uncomfortable to him.

Spock holds his tongue. This is not the time after all.

“At any rate, it doesn’t matter now.” Kirk forces a smile. He holds out his brandy. “To the future.”

“To the future.” Spock repeats.

Kirk takes a sip and thinks _yes, this might be enough after all_.

* * * 

Spock returns to his own quarters. Logically, it would have made no sense to reveal to the captain what he had done in the past. It would make no difference now. The past cannot be altered, and Spock isn’t sure whether he would change it even if such an impossibility were within his grasp.

He settles into his chair to contemplate the matter. It’s been over seventeen years since the first time he met Kirk. Since then Kirk has matured and grown into the captain Spock originally thought he would one day become. If he’s honest, as of course he is, Spock prefers Kirk like this, a steady commendable captain. If he takes a step further in his honesty, he wanted to see Kirk again. He could explain it with logic, yes, but when it comes to this, it is simply that simple. He had wanted to see Kirk again. To see how he had matured over the years. Would there be much change? What would Kirk be like now?

There had been no disappointment in seeing Kirk again.

Nevertheless Spock takes a moment to remember Kirk as he had been back then. Kirk would have entered the Academy the next year, and sometime soon after he had met and befriended Gary Mitchell. They had been friends throughout their years of training, and whether the decision was made logically or emotionally, Kirk had requested him to be his first officer once he was captain. 

Mitchell had been respectful of his friend’s position as captain, but their friendship had shone through regardless. He’d been affectionate with Kirk and Kirk had responded in kind. They had shared personal jokes together, and often spent their off hours in each other’s company.

Once or twice Spock had observed Kirk touching Mitchell in an intimate manner. A hand on his shoulder, slightly leaning into his personal space. The captain was a tactile man; the behavior was not overtly sexual, but there was something intimate about it regardless.

If he had been his teenage self, flush in the full effects of his sexual intimacy with Kirk, Spock would have admitted the feeling that stole through his body when he saw the two of them together was jealousy. As it is, he now considers it irrelevant and unnecessary. Now Gary Mitchell is dead, and Kirk grieves for him. It’s that simple.

For that fact, Spock regrets Mitchell’s death. He has no wish to cause Kirk any pain. It is that thought, and seeing how Kirk grieves the loss of a beloved friend, that now forces Spock to acknowledge a painful truth. He should have told Kirk farewell when he had left that summer. At first over the years he hadn't thought the matter of much consequence, but now he sees he was mistaken. He should have said goodbye. Seeing Kirk grieve over a lost friend is oddly unpleasant and while there is nothing he can do to alter those circumstances either, Spock finally acknowledges that if he _could_, he would do so.

For the rest, he thinks only of Kirk’s words over their brandy. _To the future._

The future is indeed, very promising.

_Part 4: Interlude_

They play chess more now. In the common room. On the observation deck. In Kirk’s quarters. One memorable game even took place on the bridge during an extremely slow shift. (Though Spock partially disapproved, he had also enjoyed Kirk’s sense of mild adventure during it.)

The games they play in Kirk’s quarters though are both the same, and slightly different. There is an intimacy to the setting that Spock had anticipated. The first time Kirk invites him there, Spock considers refusing. They had been working together with a success he hadn’t expected. There had seemed little point in testing it further. At the same time, it seemed the captain is making an effort to maintain a cordial friendship. While friendship between them is unnecessary, Spock can’t deny that it adds something to their working relationship. Something singular and worthwhile.

He accepts, and it becomes something of a routine between them. A routine that grows more familiar and welcome over time.

* * *

As Spock had previously prepared himself for Kirk’s inevitable romantic encounters and then hadn’t encountered any problems concerning his interactions with the ambassador, foolishly he’d thought that was the end of the matter. Somehow he’d simply not expected further difficulties from Kirk’s future romantic liaisons. After all, the captain is a mature, human male. It’s expected that he’d occasionally require some sort of sexual release. As long as he conducted himself in a professional manner, there should have been no drawbacks whatsoever.

The drawbacks arise from two points.

One: The new proximity of their cabins. As first officer Spock is now quartered in the cabin adjoining Kirk’s. A situation that if he had given it much thought when accepting the position, he might have considered refusing instead. But the new quarters suited him so he had taken them.

Two: Spock is all too well aware which acts are taking place when certain noises occur. His memory proves most unhelpful in that regard even though it is hardly his memory’s fault for doing its job. He had previously cataloged all the data, and the data has simply remained safely stored away until now.

And now…now, the soft breathy moans currently coming from Kirk’s cabin make it difficult to concentrate. Difficult but not impossible. Spock maintains most of his focus on the project at hand, but nevertheless he knows that a good 10 to possibly 15% of his concentration is focused on the activity currently taking place in Kirk’s quarters.

He knows the face Kirk makes when he slides down between one’s thighs, that smirk of satisfaction at pleasing a partner. The partner in question (Lady Adyllia Ja’w, a passenger en route to Starbase 9) certainly seems pleased, judging from the responding moans. Spock knows the sensation of Kirk’s fingers slipping into intimate places, the tender invigoration he stirs with those fingers.

Eventually Spock sets his PADD aside and sits back in his chair, steepling his fingers together. He should have foreseen this, or rather he should not have set the matter aside so easily once Ambassador Io was no longer a viable romantic partner. The question is what to do about it now. He has no real desire to move quarters again. Frankly, he likes the proximity to Kirk’s quarters, apart from this.

He supposes he could let the matter rest and simply wait to see if Kirk raises the topic. It seems unlikely since Kirk has not revisited their previous time together since they last discussed it, but this seems a time when they will most certainly have to speak of it.

* * *

Kirk whistles softly to himself as he showers that evening. Lady Adyllia has returned to her own chambers and he feels pleasantly relaxed after their interlude together. As he showers, he glances at the room leading to Spock’s quarters, and for the first time he wonders if Spock had heard anything.

_Shit. _

He’d never considered that issue when Gary’s quarters had been next door. For that matter, Gary had been, well, convenient to have next door. He’d had his own relationships as well, and neither of them had ever interfered with each other’s personal life. Although, Kirk had occasionally considered the matter.

That was another thing Kirk didn’t really want to think about. He’d found Gary attractive while they were at the Academy, but since joining the Enterprise together, he’d obviously decided not to act on it. It was bad enough that he’d slept with his science officer in the past; the last thing he needs is to get into trouble with Starfleet for carrying on with his first officer as well.

Kirk considers leaving the topic alone, but the more he thinks about it, the more uncomfortable he feels about it. Gary and he’d at least had an understanding. He has to have some sort of conversation with Spock about the matter.

* * *

He decides the best time is when they’re playing chess the next evening. They’re in the lounge but it’s late and there’s no one else around. Spock seems perfectly at ease, but what does that really tell him? Kirk broods over the matter as they play. He feels he has a good sense of when Spock’s relaxed and when he’s not, but is that all in his head?

He decides to lightly test the matter. It’s taken time, but finally Kirk thinks them to be at the point where he’s at last allowed to ask the question that he’s been curious about ever since he learned Spock had joined Starfleet.

“By the way, I've been meaning to ask. What happened to the Vulcan institute?” He keeps his eyes on the chessboard but he’s aware of Spock watching him across the table all the same.

Spock raises an eyebrow. “As far as I am aware, it remains unchanged.”

Kirk nods, “I see it’s not the only thing.”

Spock just looks at him and all Kirk can do in turn is smile. How has he forgotten the way Spock answered, well, everything?

The next few moves pass in silence. When Kirk finally decides that Spock’s not going to elaborate further, he thinks ahead of what he’s been intending to say.

"About that other night." Kirk hesitates. “It occurred to me that our adjoining quarters might be a tad inconvenient.”

Spock simply looks at him. One damn look, and Kirk quickly looks away, feeling the heat rising at the back of his neck. It’s not the only place.  
  
“I wanted to apologize if it was awkward in any way.” So help him if Spock pretends not to know what he’s talking about, Kirk will send out a memo to the whole crew that Vulcans have sex whenever they damn well please.

Spock gives a faint shrug. “I assumed you would have sexual liaisons, captain. All previous data points to continuing similarly along the same path.”

Kirk considers this for a moment and translates it. “You think I’ve kept on in the manner in which I started?” He hides a smile at the thought.

“It only makes sense for your sexual prowess to have increased over the years, captain.” Spock says entirely matter-of-factly.

“Ah, well, that’s flattering at least.”

“As well as the number of partners.”

“All right, that was potentially less so.” Kirk sighs. “For the record, I don’t seduce everyone who steps on board the Enterprise, nor do I have any intention of doing so.” The Lady Adyllia and he had simply clicked extremely well, and she had been the one to broach the subject. For once, Kirk had decided to seize the opportunity. He holds no regrets exactly; he just wishes this conversation were over already.

“I never implied that you did, captain.”

“Furthermore,” Kirk continues, ignoring Spock’s comment. “I like to think that I conduct my personal affairs in a discreet manner and I hope Mr. Spock that you do the same.”

There’s one slow blink, examining Kirk carefully before Spock finally answers him. “What affairs, captain?”

“Your…personal ones.” Kirk hesitates. Did Spock mean to imply he never…and yet if he had a lover among the crew members wouldn’t Kirk have heard of it by now through the various channels of gossip? If he had liaisons with passengers, someone would have noticed, surely? Possibly not. Vulcans were incredibly private, but the whole crew, well, most of them are intrigued by their science officer. Somebody would have noticed something.

“I have no need of personal affairs. As a Vulcan I refrain from indulging in sexual matters in altogether.”

“Yes, but,” Kirk flounders helplessly for a moment. Unless he brings up the fact that he _personally_ knows Spock is really good at sex, that he happens to remember explicitly how it feels to be fucked by Spock, how can he say anything further?

“Is there something troubling you?”

“It’s just…” Kirk takes a deep breath, resisting the urge to look around to make sure they’re alone. He _knows_ they’re alone. But all the same, he’s aware of just sensitive the topic he’s about to broach is. “You remember…”

“Remember what?”

For the love of god. Kirk rubs his temple. There’s the beginning of a headache pressing right at the center.

“Our time on Starbase 7.”

“Of course I remember that summer.” Spock responds neutrally and Kirk resists the urge to kick him under the table.

“So…your memories of that summer.” _Come on, Spock, give me something to work with here. It’s not like you could just forget a summer like that. Could you?_

“My memories are perfectly intact, captain.”

“So…now what? It’s just memories now?” As soon as he says it, Kirk feels like a fool. Of course that’s all they are. That’s always what the past fades away into over time, simply memories.

There’s the eyebrow that he’s accustomed to. How many times has he seen that expression while he’s in bed with Spock? Kirk’s lost count. God, he can’t think of things like that now, yet there they are all the same.

At last Spock speaks. “Vulcans choose when to engage in sexual activities. There’s no need for it to happen often, and most refrain.” He pauses, knowing this is an extremely stretched description of, well everything, but he’s not going to speak of pon farr. Not here, not now, not with Kirk of all people.

At the same, Kirk’s looking at him with such bewilderment, Spock is compelled to say something more, even if he has no idea what he should say here. At last he decides to go with a partial version of the truth. “As you may recall, my activities that summer were part of a research project.”

“Ah, yes.” Kirk murmurs. He sits back in his chair, his fingers resting upon the table as he gazes at the board between them. “I assume the studies were informative at least.”

“As a matter of fact, my research proved extremely useful on several occasions.” Spock ventures. For some reason he wishes to make Kirk feel better about the situation. There’s a faint sense of bitterness coming from the human, at least he believes it to be bitterness. He has no way of knowing for sure, unless…

He glances at Kirk’s hand, and then away. To take it now would be far too obvious. There’s no excuse to do so.

“Is that right?”

“Yes.” Spock hesitates. He could mention how once during an early voyage with Captain Pike, an ambassador had become more than a little intrigued by him. Without his previous knowledge of human arousal, it would have taken much longer to ascertain the reasoning behind the woman’s continual invitations. As a result, Spock had been able to deflect her without causing an incident.

He decides against personal anecdotes and merely says, “Due to our time together I've been able to catalog incidences, occurrences of desire in other beings and control the situation with a civil grasp of the matters pertaining to human sensibilities. It has been extremely useful."

_Oh good._ "Well, always glad to be useful." Kirk mutters.

Spock cocks his head, looking at him thoughtfully. "You do not seem glad."

What can Kirk say? He knows what he would have said if he was that seventeen-year-old boy again, and Spock was saying this to him_. I enjoyed making you come. I'm jealous. What did you expect? I want to make you come again._

But he can't say that now. Now he's Spock's commanding officer. The last thing he should be thinking about is how to make Spock come.

Spock gazes at him. In spite of his attempt to relieve Kirk’s discomfort with the situation Kirk however does not appear to be relieved at all. He frowns. “In speaking of such things, I did not mean to make the situation more uncomfortable, and yet it appears I have done so.”

“What can I say, Spock?” Kirk hesitates. “I…suppose being human, I remember that summer differently.” It sounds both innocuous and wrong the moment he says it. He didn’t mean to make Spock feel different at how he perceived the past; that was all on him. But damnit, hadn’t it mattered to him even a little?

“I was aware that you might do so.” Spock pauses, “In fact, I have never held a wish to make you uncomfortable regarding the subject, captain. That is one reason I avoided you during my last semester at the Academy.”

Kirk blinks and sits back, looking at him. “You avoided me.”

“Yes.” Spock’s wanted Kirk to know that was intentional, that he had sought to make things easier between them, but somehow this confession has not eased Kirk’s mind either. He can tell by the perplexed look in Kirk’s eye, the faint strain evident in his jaw. There is no sign of a smile there now and Spock wonders, troublingly, if he’ll destroyed the possibility of such facial expressions in the future.

“That was considerate of you.” Kirk says slowly. He rises to his feet. “I think we should call it a night.”

“Captain.”

“There’s no need.” Kirk gestures a little. “I just need some… time.” He turns and leaves the lounge, leaving Spock sitting there looking after him.

* * *

_Avoided him_. All that time at the Academy and Spock had actively avoided him. On purpose.

Kirk makes it back to his own cabin and lets the door close before he slides, shakily down to the floor. Just thinking about it hurts, reopening the ache of that long-ago summer. He wants to punch something, to scream at the internal misery rising up inside him. He’d cared so much. He’s buried it down inside him for years and it’s still just there.

A lump throbs painfully in his throat and the urge to scream is still there. He can’t believe it, and yet he can. Spock had just left after all. It makes sense that he would have ensured they hadn’t run into each other again by accident. No, he had been too logical to let that happen.

Kirk takes a deep breath and rubs his hands over his face. His eyes ache, but he doesn’t want to cry over this. He doesn’t want this to hurt anymore.

There’s no _point_ getting upset over this now. It won’t do any good. He has to let it go, he must. They’re barely into their five year mission. He can’t get upset over this, and he has no real right to anyway. To Spock, what he did was perfectly reasonable. He had no way of knowing that Kirk wouldn’t cause a scene if they ran into each other.

Of course, he might have trusted Kirk. There’s a fresh surge of bitterness and then Kirk releases it. He doesn’t want to be bitter over this new piece of information any more than he wants any bitterness to taint that summer.

Besides, even in spite of this, he still cares. He still wants to be friends with Spock. To prove that a friendship between them was worth having back then and still is now. And that’s just what he intends to do, to earn a true and genuine friendship with Spock.

It had taken some time but he’s slowly grown accustomed to being in Spock’s presence once more. Working with the Vulcan is invigorating. Spock makes him up his game. Before, Kirk had definitely wanted to be the best captain he could be, but now, for some reason he wants to prove to Spock that he didn’t make a mistake in staying on the Enterprise.

It isn’t just Spock of course. He wants his entire crew to be satisfied with him as their captain. There’s bound to be discontented crew members at some point, but if the majority is proud to work with him, then he’ll have done a pretty good job.

His ship. His crew members. Back when he had first told Spock his dream of joining Starfleet, it had been that. A dream, albeit one he had been determined to make a reality. And yes, he had always dreamed of making captain. There’s no false modesty here. Jim Kirk is ambitious through and through. But his dreams had never encompassed the splendid promise of the Enterprise. Now he walks the corridors of the Enterprise, he’s still half dazed that this is indeed reality. He’s captain here. His crew members. His ship.

Some times when he’s off-shift, Kirk goes to the observation deck just to stargaze. The pure, silent beauty of the stars remains one of his most treasured sights. It’s usually deserted, given that the rest of the crew knows perfectly well they’re in space and doesn’t feel the need to romanticize it.

But for Kirk, the undeniable proof that he’s finally, at long last, out among the stars he’s spent his whole life dreaming of…well, let them say he’s a romantic. He doesn’t mind. He’ll keep the stars.

* * * 

He goes there now. He could have stayed in his cabin, but he needs something more, something else to think about. Besides if he’s there, he won’t be tempted to give in to the faint whisper of tears still lingering.

Spock had avoided him because he didn’t want to make Kirk uncomfortable. That had to be better than avoiding him because he regretted that summer. So far Spock had never come right out and said that. Secretly, Kirk’s hoping that Spock doesn’t regret it. _Sure, maybe Spock doesn’t think of it like he does, but if he thinks of that summer at all_, Kirk thinks, _please don’t let it be with regret_. He can handle Spock leaving without saying goodbye, he can handle the thought of Spock avoiding him when they could have spent time at the Academy together, but somehow the thought of Spock regretting their summer leaves an immeasurable ache inside him.

Kirk leans his head against the glass with a sigh. Later he’ll tell Spock everything is all right, and no hard feelings, and all that. But for now, he closes his eyes. For now, he just wants to be alone with the stars.

Part 5: The Menagerie

Spock paces in the cabin. He couldn’t explain himself before, but he must do so now. Kirk needs to know the truth. It’s imperative that he does as captain. But more than that, he deserves to know. He has to understand. Surely he must. Surely, he already understands that Spock never would have done anything to endanger his captaincy but for an extreme set of circumstances. If he doesn’t understand, Spock must make him see.

He owed Captain Pike far too much. He would do it again, but he dislikes having disappointed Kirk in any way and he knows that’s exactly what he’s done.

Pike had been the first Starfleet officer to make him welcome, to see Spock’s potential and value it for its true worth. It would have been cruel to leave him as he was, when he had a choice and an opportunity for another life, even one solely lived in the mind. If Spock had had no prior attachment, he would have made a strong argument to allow the captain to return to his fantasy world. As it was, he simply had no choice.

* * *

He waits until it’s late. When there’s no chance of being interrupted by anyone else. He knows that McCoy has been staying later and later in the captain’s quarters some evenings and he doesn’t want to risk running into the doctor when he goes to speak with Kirk.

Once or twice Spock has wondered if Kirk has started having sex with McCoy, but there’s been no solid evidence to suggest that. They seem to pass their evenings together simply conversing and drinking. The only sounds Spock hears from Kirk’s room on the evenings McCoy is there is simply laughter, or low conversation. The conversation, indistinct. The laughter, congenial and genuine. The captain certainly seems more at ease after an evening spent in the doctor’s company.

Spock is not jealous of Doctor McCoy; the mere thought of such a thing is absurd. But he is, slightly envious perhaps, of how easily McCoy has slipped into a friendship with Kirk, and how readily Kirk accepts him in the role of friend.

Spock would like to think Kirk and he are friends now or were on the verge of becoming so before his recent betrayal.

* * *

_That half is completely submerged._ Kirk had almost wanted to laugh when McCoy had said it, and yes, wasn’t it true? That by now Spock had pretty much submerged that human half? It was only before that he had shown it all. To Kirk, for one summer and one summer alone. His weak, sexual human side that he had only examined for research purposes.

It’s been a long day. Kirk rubs at his temples, feeling the exhaustion starting to settle in. There’s relief too, relief that Spock won’t face any repercussions for his actions today. He still wishes Spock had just come to him first though, even if he’s not certain what he would have done. He likes to think he’d do his duty, and help his friend…but which of those would have won in the end? Is this why Spock hadn’t let him make that choice?

He’d voted guilty though when it came down to it. Kirk still regrets that. The evidence had been overwhelmingly undeniable, no matter how much he knew Spock had reason to do it. All the same, he can’t help regretting it. And then to learn it had all mostly been an illusion. An illusion he had believed. No wonder he could feel a headache coming on.

Spock had called him Jim somewhere during that mess. During that moment when they had been briefly alone before the recess. He can’t stop hearing it now.

_Captain Pike has illusion and you have reality_. He can’t stop hearing those words either. For a moment when the Talosians had been transmitting their thoughts to him, he had worried that they could read his mind, that they would know what existed therein and know how much he still…wanted Spock. That had, to his shame, been his primary thought in not attracting their attention.

* * *

There’s a faint knock at his door.

Kirk pulls it open. He’s not completely surprised to see Spock standing there.

“Captain, may we talk?”

Captain is such a far cry from Jim. Kirk merely nods. “Come in.

He lets Spock enter, curious as to what he’s about to say. What can Spock say in this moment, to his current captain, about his loyalty to his former captain. It is a singular experience.

“You did not have to help me.” Spock sounds as though he’s compelled to state this obvious fact though they’re both aware of it.

“Yes, I did.” Kirk says. At least he knows this. If Spock doesn’t know this by this point, well.

Nothing.

“You could have left the shuttle out there.” Kirk points out in return.

Spock simply shakes his head. “No, I could not.” He pauses, and then remains silent, hands still together.

* * *

Now that he’s here in Kirk’s quarters, it’s difficult to proceed. Spock has an unusual feeling of hesitation. He watches Kirk, his hands clasped together, trying to gauge a starting point to work from. “Why did you believe me but let me go through the court proceedings?”

Kirk looks at him in surprise. “You thought it was necessary. You asked me to.”

Was it truly that simple? That he had asked that of Kirk and Kirk had given it to him? Why would you do that for someone who had done what Spock had done here? Especially after what he had done in the past. He doesn’t understand in the slightest but looking at Kirk’s face, confusion and surprise and hope, entirely genuine in all those mixed emotions, he has some data at last.

“I knew you had to have some logical reason for going there.”

“Why would you have such faith in me after what I did?” _After everything?_ Spock bites his tongue before adding the final two words.

“Because I know you.” Kirk says, clearly still surprised. There’s a deep pause between his words and the next spoken. There’s a faint blush at his words, though for the first time Spock had not assumed that Kirk was referencing their previous time together. For the first time he’s certain that Kirk is simply acting under his own current opinions of him.

It’s a strange sensation, the one currently coursing through Spock’s body, passing through his mind. The reactions Kirk provokes in him are never-ending apparently. He wishes there was some way Kirk could just understand everything that had compelled him to act as he had, but the more he gazes at Kirk, the more he wonders if Kirk already does.

He wets his lips and tries, “I think it necessary to say thank you.”

“You already did.” Kirk doesn’t look at him.

“All the same, captain.” Spock pauses. “I do thank you.”

“I accept your thanks.” Kirk says quietly. “Now…I think I’m going to turn in.” It’s a faintly subtle hint but Spock takes it at once. He turns to go to the door, Kirk following him there.

“Spock.”

Spock pauses, looking at him.

“The planet’s probably still visible from the observation deck.” Kirk touches his hand briefly to Spock’s shoulder. “Take a few moments if you like.”

* * *

He means to say goodbye, to Pike, Spock’s former captain to whom his loyalty still remains so strong but Spock has already made his farewells to Pike. Instead Spock takes those brief few seconds of contact to impart to Kirk how much he hadn’t meant to put him in any danger through all of this. _Please believe that._

Kirk merely gives him a faint smile, his hand briefly squeezes Spock’s shoulder and then the door opens and closes, leaving Spock standing there in the corridor, alone with the past.

Part 6 : _The Conscience of a King_

Spock retires to his room to think over the events of the day. Kirk had been young when they first met, but it had only been four years following the events of Tarsus IV. When they had engaged in sex in the past, Spock had occasionally sensed there was an undercurrent of grief suppressed in the young human, but since he had refrained from ever melding with Kirk, he had never probed the grief fully. Now though, Spock believed he understands the matter.

Indeed, the fact that Kirk had managed to control his grief in such a measured way shows that he had a singular control of his emotions that Spock had never expected to find in a human. He’d put what happened on Tarsus IV behind him and moved purposefully forward with his life. What had happened, happened.

Nevertheless, he should not be alone right now.

* * *

Spock finds the captain up on the observation desk, hands behind his back as he gazes out at the stars.

Spock watches him in silence. They have served together only for a short time so far, nowhere near as long as he had served with Captain Pike, but nevertheless he finds his personal admiration for the man growing daily. He had been right after all. Kirk had become a good leader, a captain that Spock is proud to follow, though of course he would never phrase it like that. He’s still in the process of figuring it out, this personal knowledge within himself, trying to decide what it means.

Kirk turns now, and sees Spock standing there. “Something you need, Mr. Spock?”

Spock moves forward. “I did not mean to intrude, captain.” He’s aware that only recently the captain had been walking here with the young actress. He wonders if that memory had called more strongly to Kirk than others; was that why he had come to the observation deck?

No, Spock dismisses that almost immediately. Surely it’s simply because it’s one of his favorite places aboard the ship. Although he knows Kirk had entertained a flirtation with Lenore, he cannot believe that the young woman, as pretty and charming as she had no doubt been, had left that much of a lasting effect upon the captain. Especially after what she had done. Surely…

“No intrusion. It’s just been a long day.” Kirk pinches the bridge of his nose, with a sigh. “And I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done.”

“It was my duty.”

“Perhaps, but many would not have seen it as so.” He sighs again. “Once again, I thank you.”

He sounds as though he means it, and Spock knows the captain to be a sincere individual. However he remembers too, that Kirk had often been capable of maintaining a composed demeanor even when he didn’t feel it. He wishes fleetingly, that he could touch Kirk and just know for certain if this is meant or not. And then he considers.

For an instant, Spock moves forward to place his hand on the captain’s shoulder. Reassurance floods him. Kirk means it. He’s grateful, unwaveringly grateful at Spock for his actions, even if he’s angry that they had been necessary in the first place. Beyond that, there’s a flicker of warmth, a familiarity that immediately stirs…

Kirk shifts slightly and Spock removes his hand at once.

“Forgive me, I merely wanted to offer some semblance of reassurance.”

Kirk smiles “It’s strange. I haven’t thought about all of that for years.” He drifts off. “It’s like it happened to somebody else. A terrible nightmare buried in the furthest corners of my mind. And now, now that it’s all over, I simply find relief in the fact that it is done.” He rubs at his eyes. “Mostly I’m tired. That’s what I am, Mr. Spock. Tired, right down to the bone.”

“A very understandable reaction, Captain.” Spock says. He could easily leave Kirk here now. He’s checked on him and made sure that the captain is, for the most part, all right. However, he finds himself reluctant to leave Kirk just yet. “If I might make a suggestion,”

“Of course.”

“This would be a good night to take advantage of Dr. McCoy’s offer of a sleeping pill.”

“I think you’re right.” Peaceful, dreamless sleep sounds appealing. In a little while. For now, Kirk stands there, gazing out at the endless stars, Spock at his side.

* * *

_He’s caught upon the burning sands…._

_The bodies have been piled up, and he can’t look at them any more, can’t face them. The stink of death everywhere, rotting in the hot sun, fills his nose till he wants to vomit. He’s numb. Everything is so numb, he can barely crawl across the ground, each movement pained and desperate. It would be easy to simply lie here and surrender to the opening arms of death waiting to receive him._

_What’s the point in struggling on? There’s no rescue. No ship waiting to take him away from here. He’s going to die like everyone else on this godforsaken planet. It’s a miracle he’s survived this long. No, not a miracle, merely a decision, made by a deranged dictator who thinks he has the right to choose for them all._

_His chest hurts, straining to breathe but he still tries, reaching in vain for something beyond hope._

“Jim.”

Kirk wakes with a start. The dark of his room feels blissfully cool after the hot sun, the sands beneath his tortured limbs.

“Spock?” His voice is a rasp. “How…”

“You are still safely aboard the Enterprise.” Spock’s voice is calm and matter-of-fact, restoring order at once. “It was a nightmare.”

Kirk draws a shuddery breath, nodding. “A very vivid one.”

He sits up in bed. The sheet falls away from his upper torso. Spock has cataloged how those nipples felt beneath his tongue and teeth. He should put that data away, but in the darkness here it unfurls before him. All those stored memories waiting to reassert themselves. It would be so easy to remind himself how Kirk tastes.

“Thank you.” Kirk says at last.

“For what?” Spock says, brusque in an effort to maintain his distance.

“Not saying ‘just.’ So many people say that. It’s just a nightmare, just a dream. Just a memory. As though that makes any difference. As though that makes it lose its power.”

Spock waits but Kirk says nothing more. He could leave it there of course, but he’s truly curious about Kirk’s past in this matter.

“Would you like to be alone?” He will go if that’s what Kirk wants, but again the reluctance to leave Kirk’s side is there. There is no explanation for it; he simply doesn’t want to leave Kirk alone. If his presence offers any comfort, the slightest hint of it, he will stay as long as Kirk wants him there.

“No.” Kirk says. “but I don’t want to keep you up either.”

“I was already awake.” Spock remains where he is.

“All right.” Kirk scratches his head with a slight yawn. “Gimme a minute to throw something on, and then perhaps a game of chess?”

“That would be agreeable.”

Spock turns towards the bookshelf where Kirk keeps the chess set, still entirely aware that behind him Kirk has left the bed and is reaching for clothes. He keeps his eyes on the chess set, steadfastly ignoring the memories whispering to him now.

* * *

Kirk pours himself a small drink after Spock’s refusal, and takes the seat across from him. Whether it’s the late hour, or the remnants of the nightmare still etched upon his face, Spock dares to probe further, in the hopes of easing his mind.

“I confess, I find myself curious about that time in your life.” Spock hesitates. “It was not long after that that we met.”

It’s Kirk’s turn to raise his eyebrow, that Spock is the one raising the topic this time. “And you’re surprised at…”

“How you handled an impossible situation at such a young age.”

“I…did what was necessary.” Kirk says at last. “I attended the assigned psychological evaluation courses and that helped. But mostly I just…made myself not think about it. And that didn’t work.” He makes a wry face. “It threatened to burst out of me at any moment. I couldn’t live like that. I was angry. I was angry that they had all died and angry at myself for still being alive, for surviving.”

“Jim,” Spock starts but Kirk shakes his head.

“Let me finish, Spock. I know that mindset wasn’t logical,” he smiles at Spock and – this is a smile Spock will set aside to contemplate later – this tight, sad contraction of muscles that tries so much to offer reassurance even as its own misery is apparent. “But that’s how I felt. So I attended more therapy sessions. I worked out more, less trying to make myself tired enough to sleep (though that still helped) and more to be fit enough for the future, to face whatever it held. And then one day I woke up a little less angry. I started taking an interest in things again. I started studying harder for the Academy. Things looked up.”

It sounded simple when he said it like that, but Kirk can’t explain it better than that. He thinks perhaps Spock will understand as it is.

“I…am glad.” Spock murmurs.

Kirk blinks at him, and then he smiles, really smiles at Spock. “It’s your move, Mr. Spock.”

He hadn’t told Spock everything. That it was shortly after that that he had been offered the chance to study at Starbase 7 for the summer courses and had leapt at the opportunity as a further chance to get away from those wretched memories. That the first day he had arrived there, he’d felt like he could breathe again. And then when Spock had approached him in the gym, well… the rest as they say, is history.

Part 7 _Court-martial_

After the ordeal of the courtroom Spock finds the captain pacing in his cabin.

“Captain.”

Kirk nods, but keeps pacing. He covers the room four times before finally he turns to Spock. “Know me.”

“Sir?”

“During the court-martial, you said you knew me.”

Spock clasps his hands behind his back, contemplating the captain’s words. “And this troubles you?”

Kirk shakes his head. “No. It’s just...How could you be so utterly certain?”

“I have had ample time to observe you over the course of your time as captain of the Enterprise. Between that and the previous time we were acquainted, I know your character to be exactly what I stated in my testimony for the court-martial.”

Kirk pauses, thinking over the words. “The previous time we were acquainted.” He repeats them. “That’s one way to put it.”

“How else would I put it, captain?”

“Back when we used to fuck.” Kirk says bluntly. And then regrets it. “Apologies, Mr. Spock. That was uncalled for.” The vulgarity of the word stains the silence between them.

“No apology necessary, captain.” Spock says after a moment. “You were merely stating the truth.”

Kirk draws a heavy breath, trying to get the tension in his shoulders to relax. It’s been a long day. “Nevertheless, I apologize.” He returns to his chair, sinking into it.

There had been a brief moment in the courtroom where he had almost doubted himself. Had he pushed the button, before…

And then he had looked at Spock. There was no doubt on the Vulcan’s face. All of his own doubts had fled immediately in the face of such certainty. _If Spock believes in me, it almost doesn’t matter if I lose the Enterprise._

But he hadn’t lost her.

He straightens up in his chair and looks at Spock. “Thank you for your testimony, Mr. Spock.”

_It was only my duty to give it_, the words are on the tip of Spock’s tongue. Instead he nods, clasping his hands behind his back. “You are more than welcome, captain.”

He’s rewarded with Kirk’s smile – a little brittle, a little bruised, but still his smile. Spock remembers how it feels to have Kirk smile at him. His heart has not allowed him to forget. It seems like those memories, _of the previous time they were acquainted_, are reasserting themselves more pressingly these days. He pushes away the memories, at the same time replaying the moment of Kirk saying ‘back when we used to fuck.’ How small a word for what had transpired between them.

He blinks and finds Kirk still sitting there, still looking at him.

“I don’t suppose you’d be in the mood for a game of chess.”

“If you are not too tired.”

“I am tired, but I think this is just what I need.” Kirk goes to set up the board.

Spock takes his seat at the table. There is a pleasant companionable feeling in the room. Kirk’s contentment is such that he doesn’t need to touch him to ascertain its validity this time. Spock merely basks in the pleasure of being the chosen companion of his friend.

Part 8: _Amok Time_

The fire in his bones rises, burning hotter and hotter. Spock squeezes his eyes shut. He’d thought being on Vulcan would be enough, would alleviate it. He’d hoped it wouldn’t happen at all. Surely if there was any sort of advantage to being half human, the lessening of the pon farr side effects would be it.

But here he is. The lust in his bones is nearly at uncontrollable levels. The thought of T’Pring stirs him through the ties they are bound. But he’d be lying if that he said that was the only source of arousal near him. The proximity of Kirk has been nearly unbearable ever since the pon farr first started.

He can smell Kirk, the scent of him intoxicates Spock, filling his nostrils. The possibility of touching him again fills him with an unbearable excitement, the yearning practically warring with his desire for control within his tormented breast. He has longed to touch Kirk again. Somehow there’s less shame in admitting that when he’s at this stage. Nothing matters except that he touch Kirk.

* * *

In all their time together on the Enterprise since Kirk has joined the crew, he’s managed to (mostly) put way his thoughts of that particular summer. There is no room for those memories here. Not in the mind and decisions of a Starfleet captain. And here, standing upon the hot sands of Vulcan waiting for Spock's fate to be decided, he can’t think of them.

He can think of nothing else.

He’s never seen Spock like this. He’s not sure he’d want to see Spock like this if he had any kind of real choice, but he has no choice. He’d agreed to stand by Spock during this, and here he is.

Kirk has fought in many hand to hand combats before. There are different elements though when you’re fighting from a captain’s chair. Pros and cons to both. Usually. While he likes the advantage that the captain’s chair usually affords him, the impressiveness and sleek weaponized charge of the Enterprise under his control, there are some things that fighting hand to hand is better for. He’s not responsible for anyone else, only himself and him alone.

The responsibilities of a starship captain are weighty indeed. He wouldn’t give it up now, not exactly, but there are times when he thinks back to days when he didn’t have that weight resting on his shoulders, when he was just a cadet and things were easier.

This fight is different. It’s Spock he’s fighting and the terms have been left until too late. He can’t fight Spock to the death; he can’t kill Spock. There’s no way to win here.

He’s sweating. The air clings to him, oppressively, making it hard to think. The terrain isn’t ideal. He can feel the heat from the sand leeching through his boots. He’s fought in worse though. He can handle this. If only he weren’t fighting Spock.

Instinct takes over his body, guiding his movements but he has to rein it in and then he’s fighting for his life anyway because Spock’s not holding back. As they wrestle upon the hot sands Spock lands upon him, Kirk’s aware of the full weight of Spock pressing down upon him. The true force of Spock’s strength is overwhelming.

It’s not the only thing he feels. His brain might be overwhelmed but he knows the sensation of a hard on when he feels on. Spock’s aroused and in spite of the less than ideal circumstances Kirk’s body does its best to respond.

It makes sense for Spock to be aroused. This whole thing is part of a mating ritual after all. Kirk’s body on the other hand has obviously no excuse except…except…he’s often been turned on by adrenaline. The time he had explained delayed orgasming to Spock had kept him hard for a week.

And now this, it’s wrestling with Spock all over again, only there’s no boundaries. There’s a moment when Spock’s hands dig harder into Kirk’s shoulders and his eyes stare piercingly into Kirk’s. He feels it. The delicious agony as Spock presses down to meet his cock. Kirk’s groan is lost as they roll again. His body responds whole-heartedly to Spock’s. Between the heat and the weight of Spock on him, the sun glaring down him as they rock back and forth. Kirk feels lightheaded, faint. He looks in Spock’s eyes again. The look in Spock’s eyes does nothing to dispel his own arousal. He’s certain of Spock’s wanting.

And yet, it’s not Spock that wants him here, not truly. It’s only the effects of the pon farr. Kirk has to remind himself of this, he has to. Otherwise he is lost.

* * *

_“Jim!_

Spock so nearly surrenders everything here to clasp Kirk’s face. The moment is there, his hand so nearly moves of its own accord to touch Kirk’s cheek. He’s alive; he’s here. His hands touch Kirk’s arms as he gazes in wonder at him.

Kirk’s gazing back at him, a smile upon his lips. Spock swallows tightly, dropping his hands immediately. He’s been too intimate already by clasping Kirk’s arms. The rush of joy that flooded his senses as he had done so had assured him of Kirk’s happiness to see him.

He tells himself it’s because Kirk needs him as he was, a stable, centered first officer. Not a creature prone to lusts and desires of the flesh. Not someone who would claim him and take him for his own.

* * *

There had been little opportunity for talking then. Bones had banished Kirk from the med bay as he looked Spock over to make he was recovered, and Kirk is grateful for the opportunity and leaves.

He wants to speak with Spock. He _needs _to speak with Spock. But is Spock ready to speak with him? He loiters in the corridor for a little while, unsure, and then decides against it. Spock’s open relief over not having not killed him was enough reassurance, surely?

That’s all he’s really seeking, Kirk tells himself as he walks away towards his own cabin. Some sort of reassurance that Spock is all right. He can’t hope for anything more.

* * *

All the same Kirk feels restless when he heads to bed that night. For that matter he’s also sore from that fight on the sands. The aches in his body could have so easily been from another cause.

Kirk sighs for a moment. He wonders if T’Pring will regret her choice, or if she made the right call for herself. He’s only glad Spock will remain with the Enterprise, not that he’s aware that it would have been different if he had won. Probably he would have just taken his leaves on Vulcan with his spouse, like the rest of the married crew members did.

Married. Spock.

Kirk turns his head, burying his face in his pillow. The thought sparks irrational jealous in him, which is pointless. He’s not anything to Spock but his captain. He should be glad if Spock were happy and married, and instead he’s just glad Spock is still on the ship with him. What a fucking selfish person he is.

It’s not just that. He can’t forget how it felt to have Spock pressed against him again. All the times he’d wondered whether Spock had been holding back during sex and now he knows. Well, almost. Spock hadn’t actually fucked him today, obviously. Though there had been a moment when their eyes met that Kirk had actually thought he was going to. His skin burns at the memory, his cock thickening in his sleep pants.

And god help him, he had wanted Spock to.

* * *

On the one hand, Spock is perfectly fine. The betrothal link with T’Pring is severed. He has no ties to her anymore. He is free and there is no need for him to worry

On the other, there has to be some lingering effect of the pon farr still upon him that keeps him replaying the moments fighting with Kirk on the sand.

He couldn’t go on like this. He would have to leave the Enterprise, leave everything, eave Jim.

No, he cannot leave Jim, not now, not after he knew what it was like to be close to him once more. No, even that is false, he has always known since that summer what it is to lie with Kirk.

Now, no he can’t leave Kirk now. Not now. Not after Kirk risked his own life to save him. That would be the act of a coward.

* * *

_The sands of Vulcan burn underneath his body as Kirk lies there, chest heaving, utterly defeated. Spock’s hands are harsh upon his throat, and then one of then shifts, moving gracefully, purposefully down his body to press between his legs._

_Kirk gasps at the public acknowledgement of his arousal. Shame heats his face as he gazes up at Spock. “What.”_

_“Silence.” Spock murmurs, squeezing a little, noting the way Kirk bites his lip in response. “I have won the match and am therefore the victor.”_

_“What happens now?” Kirk feels dazed. He’d thought it had to be life or death. Can this be worked out if they’re both still alive? Spock is leaning over him, still has his hand upon his throat, his other between Kirk’s legs._

_“Now I will claim you for my mate.” Spock punctuates this with another squeeze to Kirk’s cock. And then both mercifully, and agonizingly, he removes his hand and rises. Holding out his hand to Kirk, he says, “Get up.”_

_Kirk does slowly, taking his hand._

_He’s barely aware of the Vulcans speaking around him. He’s only conscious of Spock standing beside him, still holding Kirk’s hand in his. Kirk squeezes his hand experimentally and Spock shoots him a look._

_Eventually the talking ceases and Spock leads him inside the rock fortress and down a dim hallway. Kirk’s grateful for the cool respite from the sun, even as he’s still confused._

_“Where are we going now?”_

_Spock doesn’t answer until they’ve entered the chamber at the end of the hall. Only once the door is closed behind him does he turn to Kirk again. “Take your clothes off.”_

_“What?” Kirk stares at him._

_Without another word Spock moves forward and shreds Kirk’s already torn shirt from his body. He drops the remnants to the floor without a thought. “I told you. I intend to claim you as my mate.”_

_“I thought…” Kirk has too many thoughts to let them all out at once. I thought you were bonded to T’Pring. I thought you didn’t care about that summer. I thought you didn’t want me. I thought you never loved…_

_Kirk’s barrage of thoughts is brought to an abrupt halt by Spock placing his hands on his shoulders and drawing him in. Spock gazes down at him, and it’s as though he senses every single one of Kirk’s doubts and fears._

_“I have always wanted you.” Spock murmurs and then finally, he presses his lips to Kirk’s and Kirk responds, his arms going around Spock. He can feel the hunger in Spock’s body, the yearning of his own body answered a hundred times and more._

_They move backwards and then, Spock presses Kirk down upon the bed before proceeding to remove Kirk’s pants as well. Only once he has the captain naked before him does Spock start to remove his own clothing._

_This is worth fighting for, Kirk thinks, the agony, the fear and the pain, all of it. Everything he suffered out there today is worth it if it’s brought Spock back to him._

_Spock settles on the end of the bed and looks at him, and then he crawls up the length of the bed to lie beside Kirk, returning his hand to rest between Kirk’s legs._

_Kirk’s cock swells in his grasp, and a faint smile surfaces on Spock’s mouth._

_“Say you are mine.” He murmurs, gazing down at Kirk. “Say it.”_

_“I’m yours.” Kirk tells him. “I always have been.”_

_Spock leans down to kiss him, as he starts to stroke Kirk with languid, heated strokes._

* * *

Spock opens his eyes. The sound that had disturbed him had come from the captain’s quarters. As far as he knows the captain is not entertaining anyone in his room tonight. He had considered going to speak with Kirk after he had been given the all clear by Dr. McCoy, but decided against it in the end. Kirk was alive. Surely that was enough comfort for one night.

He hesitates but there it is again, the faint groan coming from the captain’s room. Spock’s hesitation fades. It’s his duty to protect the captain. He enters the override and enters silently.

Kirk is stretched out on his back, one hand resting on his stomach.

Spock stands there in the doorway, silent in his appreciation of the sight before him. In all his travels throughout the galaxy, he has never found a vision more beautiful than a naked Jim Kirk.

Kirk is not in danger. He is however, caught up in a dream. His right hand moves rhythmically underneath his sheets, his eyelashes soft against his face. Spock freezes. He should turn and leave immediately. And then Kirk cries out once more and his hips strain.

He stills.

The sound is so familiar, Spock is strangely affected by it. As soon as he ascertains that Kirk is sleeping peacefully once more, he returns to his own chambers and mediates.

The sensory factor association was intense. His memories of Kirk, the ones he kept carefully filed away, push again more strongly to be brought forth and examined. The temptation to weigh new data against old findings was strong indeed. This would be a perfect opportunity to determine whether or not the patterns he’s laid out would hold firm, for who better to test them against than the person he first experimented with?

But he has no need of such data now. He can already control himself.

Spock closes his eyes and pretends he’s not still listening for the faintest sound from Kirk’s lips. Nor is he wondering what dream Kirk was so pleasantly lost in.

* * *

The next morning before his shift starts on the bridge Spock goes to Kirk’s cabin and knocks.

Kirk looks weary as he allows Spock to enter. There are lines of exhaustion upon his face and when he walks back across the room, he’s slower, holding himself more gingerly than he usually would.

_I did that_, Spock thinks. _I am the cause of his pain and discomfort_. It was not a pleasant thought, but he can’t deny it simply to ease his own mind.

“Captain, I…” what can he really say though? What is he supposed to say? How can he express the reactions he’s had ever since he realized Kirk was alive? “…wished to check on you after the events of yesterday.” His hands go behind his back, he holds himself firm.

“There’s really no need to check up on me, Spock.” Kirk turns away from that doorway. “Dr McCoy has already given me the all clear. And as you saw yesterday, I’m perfectly fine.”

“Are you?” Spock’s tone is low, intense, as he studies his captain. “Are you?” He repeats.

“A little sore.” Kirk admits, with a wry smile but at least it doesn’t look too strained. “Nothing that won’t wear off.”

_Nothing that won’t wear off_… when I came so close to melding with him, Spock thinks. The urge had been so strong during the pon farr. If he had been any less in control, it could have happened. He had been overwhelmed with urgent desire, carnal animal need…

If he had gratified that urgency, if he had claimed Kirk and fully melded with Kirk’s mind – Kirk would be his now in this moment. Claimed in the most basic truest sense, and also wrongly. Kirk will never be his, pon farr or nor pon farr. Longing or no longing. Memories or no memories. It is simply not logical.

* * *

“I tell you, I’m perfectly fine.” Kirk says again. He can’t tell Spock about the dream he had last night. It had been to embarrassing to wake from, realizing he had jerked himself off in his sleep like some horny teenager.

If Spock just keeps his distance for a little while, everything will be fine. Kirk tells himself this repeatedly. There’s no alternative to consider. There’s no world where that day upon Vulcan had ended with the outcome of Spock claiming him as his mate. It’s a fantasy, something that Kirk’s subconscious dreamed up and he wishes it would go back to where it came from.

He stands stiffly until at last Spock nods silently and goes. Kirk waits until the door has closed behind him before he sighs and rests his hands on his desk. God help him, that dream will not leave him. All he has to do is close his eyes to feel Spock’s lips upon his once more, Spock’s hand upon him.

“Fuck.” Kirk says succinctly. And then he takes a deep breath and straightens up. He leaves his quarters and strides down the hall, captain of the _Enterprise_, at least. Surely that’s enough?

Part 9:_ The Way You Turn Me On_

The keyboard catches fire as it short circuits. Spock pulls his hands away violently, hissing involuntarily at the burn.

“Spock.” Kirk catches his wrists quickly. His fingers slide over Spock’s skin as he turns his hands palms upward to assess the damage.

Spock stiffens then, “Captain.” It’s intolerable to be held by Kirk like this. Ever since the events on Vulcan, Spock has done his best to avoid even the most innocent of touches.

It was only once that he began refraining from those simple moments of contact, of course, that he realized just how much he missed them. The brush of Kirk’s shoulder against his. Kirk’s arm pressing against his in the lift. Kirk’s hand on his arm as he leans in to speak with him. All of these, treasured and held dear, whether Spock wants to admit it or not.

“Hold still.” Kirk says, still holding his wrists firmly as he studies Spock’s palms. “These need immediately attention.”

Spock pulls free. “I am well, captain.”

“You’re not.” Kirk says obstinately. “Get to sick bay at once.”

“Come on, Spock.” McCoy jerks his head. “The sooner we get something on those burns, the better you’ll feel.” He rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean.” He heads towards the lift.

Spock remains where he is for another moment. Only when Kirk turns his head and catches sight of him does he finally head towards the lift.

It’s not Kirk’s fault. He never explained about his hands, about the touching, the telepathy and the intimacy. Even now his blood races at the sensation of touching Kirk again. His fingertips tingle endlessly. Burned, yes, but oh, Kirk’s fingers against his own, that was worth the pain.

He endures the pain because it was his own fault and his own stupidity. He should have told Kirk.

* * *

“Spock’s hands’ll be fine. Applied some burn gel. After four hours or so they’ll be good as new.” McCoy pours them both a drink.

“That’s good to hear.” Kirk reaches for his.

”Though I must say I was surprised.” McCoy takes a sip of his brandy. They’ve fallen into a routine on the evenings where their shifts allow it. It’s one Kirk is grateful for. Even now, after a year on the Enterprise, he’s still finding his footing as Captain. At least he can count on McCoy to have his back.

“At what?” He sips his brandy.

“That Spock let you touch him like that. Had no idea you two were so intimate.” It’s clearly a joke, but Kirk doesn’t laugh as Bones expected. “What’s the matter, Jim?”

Kirk frowns. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I touch him like that?” It’s not possible Bones knows anything about Starbase 7, even if Kirk has been tempted to tell him once or twice.

“Come on, Jim, you must know.”

“Know what?” Kirk takes another drink, exasperated. Bones isn’t making any sense.

“About Spock. He’s a touch telepath like all Vulcans.” Bones explains. “His hands are extremely sensitive. Why hand-holding to them is practically—” He cuts himself off as he looks at Kirk.

Kirk pales.

“Jim, is there something wrong?”

“I have to go.” Kirk sets down his drink and gets up. “I’ll…talk to you later, Bones.” He goes out quickly leaving the doctor gazing after him with concern in his eyes.

* * *

All this time, every single time he had touched Spock’s hands without thinking, and Spock had let him. Why hadn’t he said anything? Why had he let Kirk continue to make a complete fool of himself? Why would he be so cruel? Was it revenge somehow for their teenage affair? But that didn’t make any sense.

Kirk keeps pacing down the corridor and finally decides to head towards the gym. He needs to get some of this restless energy out before he attempts to sleep.

* * *

He’s working out when Spock enters a short while later. Kirk hesitates, but keeps going. He’s aware of Spock out of the corner of his eye as he stretches. His irritation flares again. Spock had deliberately kept this from him all these years. That’s the only excuse for what he does next.

“Care for a wrestling matching, Mr. Spock?”

Spock glances at him. “Are you sure that is wise, captain?” He looks cool and remote in a standard black t-shirt and loose workout pants. There’s no excuse for the way Kirk wants to lift that t-shirt and lick his way up Spock’s chest.

“You’re not afraid, are you?” It’s a friendly taunt, but a taunt nonetheless.

“We both know that is not the case.” Spock says after a moment.

“Well, if you don’t want to.” Kirk shrugs. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he wants nothing to do with Kirk ever again.

And yet Spock responds. “Nevertheless, I will oblige you, captain.”

They face each other upon the mat, moving warily before Kirk darts in. He gets a good hold on Spock but Spock overturns it easily and they break apart again.

The next time they’re close, Kirk presses his hands up Spock’s forearms as he attacks, deliberately, watching how Spock tenses. He switches tactics abruptly, stepping back, and ducking away. Every tactile motion he can use, every chance he gets, he touches Spock until abruptly Spock flips him on his back, pinning him to the mat hard.

The breath exits Kirk’s body with a quiet oomph. Spock gazes down at him in silence, his eyes dark and cautious.

“Get off me.”

“Explain.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Kirk bites out.

Spock sits back. “Ah.” He had guessed that Kirk had discovered the truth and now he’s proven right. Yet even with that knowledge, he doesn’t want to move from the position he’s in. It has been so many years since he was this close to Kirk, not counting the time on Vulcan. Spock doesn’t want to count that. He was not himself then. He is entirely himself now. The heat of Kirk’s body beneath his own is intoxicating.

Kirk gazes up at him, eyes bitter and hurt. The pain within them is exquisitely beautiful. The betrayal there makes Spock ache.

Reluctantly he moves off Kirk.

Kirk gets up, reaching for his shirt. “My quarters. Now.” He’s angry, and Spock knows it. He follows the captain silently to his quarters, watching him jab in the security code with quick, tight motions.

Kirk waits until the door closes before turning on him furiously. “What you did was unconscionable. I wouldn’t have thought you capable of it, Spock.” He takes a breath, resting his hands on his desk. “Maybe you didn’t have to tell that dumb kid you fucked back then, but not telling your captain is a breach of protocol.”

“That’s not why I didn’t tell you then.” Spock says quietly. “And there was nothing dumb about Jim Kirk at the age I first met him.”

“Why then? Why did you just let me…” His head drops lower between his shoulders, unable to look at Spock. "All that time." Kirk whispers. "Spock, you made a fool out of me."

"I assure you I had no such intention. It was an egregious error, Captain. I…"

"You should have told me as soon as I was on board, as soon as you knew I was to be captain. Why didn't you? Why did you let me touch you so carelessly all those times?" He faces his first officer square on, demanding the answer, whatever the answer, whatever the price.

For the first time in his life, Spock falters. He doesn't want to hurt Kirk which is a pointless wish because it is clear he has already done so.

"Perhaps, because I did not desire it to cease." He says at last. He owes Kirk the truth, this much at least. "On a ship full of humans, intent on physical interaction, my reputation and my birth has stood me in good stead. I have little desire to touch or be touched by the majority of the crew. However, whether it is due to our previous time together or not, I have never found your touch unwelcome."

Kirk gives him a look. “I find that hard to believe. Why did you pull away at the bridge earlier then?”

“Because Dr. McCoy was right there, captain, and as much as your touch is welcome, it is still difficult, not to mention unseemly, to touch like that in front of others.” He pauses because Kirk’s face has returned to his formerly unreadable expression. “For Vulcans.”

“What exactly were we doing that was so unseemly?” Kirk asks, just a tad sarcastically.

“It is hard to translate.” Spock murmurs.

“Try.”

“When your hands touch mine like that, it is the human equivalent as though I had walked up to you, pulled you up from your captain’s chair, cupped your cheek and kissed you.”

It’s not an unappealing picture, and sure, it’d be shocking to the rest of the bridge crew, but it’s not as though…

Spock’s not done. “While clasping your backside closely with my other hand.”

Kirk swallows. Now _that, _on the other hand, well_._ He imagines Spock doing that, the warm press of Spock’s hand on his skin, pressing him closer, fingers sliding down the crease of his ass.

“I see, Mr. Spock.”

He half turns away. Partly because he doesn’t want Spock to see what’s happening at the front of his trousers, and half because he’s still trying to make sense of this. And then he remembers.

“But you said you didn’t want me to stop.” He turns back, searching Spock’s face.

Spock nods. “I know. It was…”He hesitates. “Selfish, is the word, I believe.” To try to keep a portion of Kirk’s affection for him when he had no right to it was selfish indeed, not to mention coercive. And more puzzling, both true and untrue. For while Kirk did not necessarily intend his touches the way Spock’s body interpreted them, they were, nonetheless, affectionate.

Kirk’s not saying anything, the moment is growing more and more uncomfortable.

“If you wish me to transfer.” Spock falters, again. He doesn’t want to leave the Enterprise. How could he not have foreseen that this was a possibility. And yet, perhaps he should go, for when confronted with James Kirk, his logic apparently is problematic and faulty. He should have told him.

He has failed.

“I need to be alone for a little while.” Kirk says. “To think. Don’t…start any transfer proceedings, Spock.”

“As you wish, captain.” Spock hesitates, and then goes out.

“As I wish.” Kirk murmurs. If that were true, Spock wouldn’t have left and Kirk would have held him in his arms until…

* * *

What’s he so upset about? How many times has he wished you could just know what a partner was thinking to make everything easier in bed? Hell, or even out of it? But then, again, sometimes it’s a relief to know they can’t know what you’re thinking, to contain the private part of you even when you’re intimately joined.

Kirk stretches out with a sigh, but he’s too restless to sleep. He gets up again, pacing the length of his quarters.

Spock knows him intimately, that’s for sure. He should have told someone. But it would only result I either of them being transferred. Which is unfair to Spock. He’d been on the Enterprise for eleven years before Kirk came along, and for Kirk, he won’t give up the ship unless he has to.

Nowhere has he ever felt as at home as here. This ship fits him.

Besides…Spock hadn’t told anyone either.

He keeps pacing. What is he supposed to do? If this were any other office aboard the ship…but there is no comparison. There’s no other way another officer could have been stealing kisses, as it were, and besides, Kirk has to admit this. _He’s_ the one who touches Spock.

At last he leaves his quarters and heads down the hall.

“To what do I owe this honor?” McCoy looks up from his desk.

Kirk just shrugs his shoulders and drops into a seat. He doesn’t really what he’s hoping to solve by coming here. “So you were right.”

“I usually am.” McCoy leans back in his seat. “What about this time?”

“Vulcans and touching…” Kirk’s lips thin. He tries to remember if he’s ever touched Spock at a formal dinner, in front of any visiting dignitaries or officials. Possibly? Maybe not? Of course, he didn’t know. Maybe most of them didn’t either. Or they do and the entire galaxy thinks that Jim Kirk is gauche and rude.

“Or they think you and Spock are doing it.” McCoy says when he voices this concern. He gets out the brandy and pours them each one, nudging Kirk’s glass over the desk to him.

Kirk just sighs. “Well.” He brushes his thumb along his jaw, trying to think of something else to say to that. Something other than the truth.

“Well, come on, Jim. You have to admit it would be amusing.”

Kirk just sighs again. “Bones, if I tell you something, you have to give me your word you will never tease him about this.”

“I do not tease.” McCoy say primly.

“I mean it, Bones. He would…”

“I give you my solemn oath, that I won’t tease Spock though it promises to be very hard not to based on the hints you’re dropping.” Bones leans back in his chair, waiting.

“I slept with Spock.” Kirk mutters.

“You did what?”

“You heard me.”

“Jim. How…” Bones just stares at him incredulously.

Kirk waves him off irritably. “It was years ago.”

“Years.”

“We were basically kids. The part you won’t believe is that he came on to me.”

McCoy stares at him harder. “No, you’re right, I don’t believe it.”

“Thanks.” Kirk takes a gulp of brandy.

“Jim.”

“It’s true.” He still can’t believe it, and he was there.

“So where does that you leave the two of you now?” Bones asks at last.

“I have no damn clue.” Kirk sighs. “He asked if I wanted him to transfer. I don’t want him to transfer, Bones, but how can we go on like this?”

Bones shrugs. “Well, you say you always wanted to spend more time with a partner outside of the bedroom. Maybe this is the way to do it.”

“Well, yeah,” Kirk admits. “But I didn’t want to give up the sex to do it.” He’s joking (maybe) but McCoy gives him a look.

“Jim, you still…”

“No. That would be unprofessional.”

“But.”

“Bones.”

Of course he doesn’t want to sleep with Spock still.

* * *

Of course he fucking does.

* * *

Spock’s on the lift when McCoy enters it. The door’s barely close before McCoy breaks the silence.

“Now, I’ve heard everything.” McCoy rolls his eyes. “A selfish Vulcan.”

Spock’s hands tighten behind his back as he gives the doctor an inscrutable look.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that. I know perfectly well what you were doing. You wanted Jim to keep touching you.”

“Doctor, this is hardly the place to be having this conversation.”

McCoy just sighs. “Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you. But if you have any feelings for him, whatever they are, if you care about Jim at all, don’t transfer.”

Spock decides to ignore the part about feelings. “How would it help to stay?”

McCoy stares at him. “Are you really that dumb that you can’t see what’s right in front of you? I thought Vulcans were supposed to be highly intelligent.” He turns and faces Spock straight on, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Jim needs you on this ship. Needs you at his side. But he also needs you to be _you_, so if you’re incapable of that, then maybe you should leave.”

“Now I am entirely at a loss.” Spock says. “First you tell me not to leave, then you tell me to do so.”

“Spock.”

“I am incapable of being other than myself, doctor.”

“Yeah, maybe,” McCoy says. “But the thing is…do you even know who that is?”

The words seem to hover in the air. Spock can hear them, assess them, and put them aside. But they will not go. How can McCoy, of all humans, have seen into the heart of the matter?

The door opens and McCoy steps out. “Jim doesn’t know I spoke to you. I’d appreciate it if-”

“I will not tell him.”

“Thank you.” McCoy turns and walks down the hall.

Spock stands there alone in the lift. He needs to meditate.

* * *

Kirk glances up as Spock comes onto the bridge the next morning. His first officer looks the same as ever. There is nothing to suggest that what happened in the ship’s gymnasium the previous night was anything but a figment of Kirk’s imagination. Except he still has faint, very faint but they’re there, marks on his arms where Spock’s hands had gripped him ever so briefly when he was pinned.

Spock proceeds to his post and Kirk turns back to the report he was going over.

“Captain,” Uhura draws his attention and he’s glad to have to have something else to focus on. He tries to keep focused during the day, but time after time he finds his gaze drawn relentlessly back to the science station. And every time, Spock’s gaze meets his own.

* * *

Kirk’s two drinks in, whisky this time, when he messages Spock and tells him to come to his quarters. Maybe this is a bad idea, but he doesn’t care. They’re not done talking about this.

Spock looks at him warily as he enters, taking in the alcohol and relaxed nature of Kirk’s clothing.

Kirk ignores his assessment and gets down to business, pouring himself another drink. “So all that time you were reading my mind.” They might as well call it what it is.

“Not exactly.” Spock answers. “I was able to infer sensory emotions, such as pleasure, happiness, amusement.” He trails off, seeing the look in Kirk’s eyes.

“All of which you did without me knowing it.” Kirk remembers those years, the overwhelming sense of well, _everything_. And when he was having sex, everything short circuited. And with Spock, his emotions had magnified ten fold. All of that, Spock must have felt, and he still left without even saying goodbye. Kirk swallows over the lump in his throat.

“Would you have allowed it if I had asked?” Spock asks quietly.

“I don’t know…” Kirk sighs. He sits down at his desk, gazing at Spock. “I guess I want to know why?”

“When I was younger, I was more callous as to the nature of research pursuits. I thought it made sense for my studies to assess your unrepressed emotions. Due to my control, I thought it would have little to no effect on you. For that I apologize.”

Kirk nods. “Very well.” He sits back in his chair, looking up at Spock. “Perfect control, eh?”

“Captain, I believe you are intoxicated.”

“See, you can figure some things out on your own after all.” Kirk takes a long sip of whiskey.

All the time, everything that he’d been going through the time, what he’d already gone through. He’d been a teenager, emotional, exuberant, excited over everything, determined to put the past behind him.

“You must have thought me a goddamn emotional fool.” Kirk mutters.

“I thought you were fascinating.” Spock states this, simply and truthfully. “You were unique. And I held no regrets in approaching you that day in the gymnasium.”

Kirk smiles in spite of himself. “And after?”

“None whatsoever, about our time together.” He pauses. “Do you believe I should hold regrets?”

“Let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.” Nor would he blame Spock if that were the case.

Kirk remains silent and Spock hesitates, then takes a step closer. “What about you? Do you hold regrets concerning that summer?”

“Before I was made captain, I would have said no.” Kirk says frankly. “But ever since we’ve been on this ship together, it’s been harder and harder to keep the past where it belongs.” He doesn’t meet Spock’s eyes as he says this and Spock aches for him.

“I had no desire to make you regret the past even more.” He’s moved closer to Kirk. It would take only a motion of his hand to reach out and touch Kirk’s shoulder.

“I don’t regret the past.” Kirk whispers. “I just wish,”

“What do you wish, Jim?”

“I wish I had gotten a chance to say goodbye.” Kirk looks up at him. There’s the melancholy sheen of tears in his eyes and it takes everything within Spock to refrain from reaching for him.

Kirk sets his whiskey aside and buries his face in his hands. “Just go.”

Spock hesitates and then. “I regret not telling you goodbye more than you will ever know.” He says quietly. “But also…I had no wish to say it.” With that, he leaves Kirk’s quarters swiftly, Kirk lifting his head to follow him in mute surprise.

* * *

Once Kirk knows about Spock’s telepathy he can’t stop watching Spock’s hands. How precisely they move over the instrument panel. How aloofly they maintain their distance. Now the positions that were simply just Spock before make sense. He’s distancing himself from the crew. Actively, in an effort to not touch or be touched.

But all the moments where Spock’s touched him in the past are fixed points in time. Kirk remains helplessly stuck in his memories. They didn’t hold hands all the time. Spock had been conscious of the staff and students around them. But they had upon occasion. And then there was the movie theater.

James T Kirk, captain of the Enterprise, blushes, alone on the observation deck. He had forgotten the goddamn movie theater. For a moment he can’t believe he was ever that bold or reckless.

He sighs and the blush fades. It was all so long ago. Perhaps it’s for the best. Before Spock had resurfaced in his life, “the events of Starbase 7” as Spock deigned to call them, had been simply that. Memories belonging to his past. Enjoyable, but painful memories. But never ones that he would ever truly want to forget. That summer with Spock had shaped him, whether Kirk was conscious of it or not. Spock’s consideration for how others would react to Kirk’s friendship with an alien had served to remind him to always treat all aliens with equal respect and consideration. He would have done this anyway, but Spock’s behavior and the attention to detail had allowed Kirk to see that there often factors beyond his understanding and to not allow that to cause any difference in the treatment or behavior of him or his crew.

He’s been kind to the few people whose hearts he’s bruised, accidentally or carelessly. Because it was better to know the truth than to wait in helpless agonizing hope, without anything to feed it. He had always ended romantic liaisons when the end was in sight, never prolonging them unnecessarily.

All this and Spock chose to remain aboard. Even with a captain who, though obviously never presume that they would pick up where they left off, still retained some subconscious level of intimacy with Spock, like it or not.

Or was it just his way? Kirk argues the matter back and forth with himself. He was a tactile man, always had been. It wasn’t just Spock. He was affectionate with Bones, with Uhura, Scotty and Sulu. Maybe it was just him and it didn’t matter that Spock let him touch him.

He would never assume it meant anything now. Even if Spock did want that in a million years…Intimate relations between a captain and a first officer had to be against the rules of Starfleet. And yet the thought won’t leave him alone until eventually he does mention it over drinks with Bones.

“There’s no official rule prohibiting it.” Bones says dryly. The look on his face says “I knew it.”

Kirk’s ignoring it. Of course he still wanted to sleep with Spock. That was a given. Had Bones seen Spock for christsake? Spock as a teenger had been very attractive. Spock as an adult was beyond breathtaking.

“What? Really?” That he found it hard to believe. Starfleet was adept at laying down the law for every little thing. You’d have thought they’d have that one covered. This can’t be the first time anything like this has happened aboard a ship. Well, maybe not quite like this.

“Nope.” Bones leans back in his chair. “So you can go ahead and ask Spock to the school dance or whatever it is you were thinking of asking him.”

“I was thinking of no such thing.” Kirk protests.

“Jim.” Bones rolls his eyes. “This is me. You don’t have to lie to me. I know you and even though I don’t know why in all of god’s green earth you’d even be interested in that pointy-eared sour-lipped Vulcan to begin with, I do get that matters of the heart are often more complicated than we allow them to be.”

Kirk remains unmoved. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Bones leans forward. “It means that the heart wants what the heart wants, Jim. And yours has remembered Spock all these years, like it or not. Now that could just mean that the sex was highly imaginative and left a mark on a young impressionable mind.”

“Hey.”

“But I believe it’s something more.” Bones says seriously. “And I think deep down you both know it.”

Kirk sits back in his chair, still unconvinced on the surface. But deep down, as Bones would say, a small seed of hope takes root.

* * *

_"All those times. What was I doing, Spock?" His fingers pressed against the pads of Spock's fingertips, into his palms, stroking over his skin. "What does it mean Spock? Tell me?"_

_Spock had frozen. With each caress another wave of emotion, Jim's emotions, surges towards him. Affection. Regret and the most basic human emotion of them all - hope._

_"Spock."_

_His fingers dug into Jim's pulling him closer, crushing their mouths together. They fall backward against the wall. Panting, pulling at each other._

_This is illogical, I have desired this man for so long._

_"Spock." Jim's voice. Jim's tongue. Jim's hands on his body._

_They're falling into each other, murmuring, so close._

_Spock so nearly surrenders. They cup each other's faces, breathing as they return to their senses._

_"Well," Kirk takes a deep beneath. "I haven't done that since I was a teenager." He looks ruefully at his trousers._

_Spock leans his head back and thinks about what they have done. What Dr McCoy said to him._

_"Spock."_

_"I think we need to consider this carefully before we discuss it." He pulls away before Kirk can touch him again. If he does that..._

* * *

Spock wakes from the dream, panting silently. The darkness seems very still after the vividness of the dream. He lies there a moment and then rises, throwing the sheets aside.

He goes to his corner to meditate, but after a few moments he has to accept that his mind simply won’t be calmed. At last he makes a cup of tea and settles at his desk.

The dream then…he lets himself contemplate it dispassionately. The loss of control, and then the recovery at the end. It had felt so real. It could so easily have happened.

Spock sips his tea and accepts the fact that he wants it to have happened. That he wants Kirk to touch him, to reach for him and draw him close.

He wants Kirk. The truth of it settles in his chest like an arrow coming home to rest, piercing him sharply with its truth. He still wants Kirk. It’s Especially since..

_If you have any feelings for him._

McCoy’s words pass quietly through his mind.

_Any feelings._ Spock has too many of them for Jim, or rather one simple one. A resilient, irrepressible emotion that refuses to be denied and shut out any longer.

Love. Quite simply, he loves Jim Kirk.

Spock meditates for a long time on the nature of this discovery. There is a surprising lack of astonishment in it. It is as though once he accepted it, it's simply there in his mind, in his bloodstream. In his heart. Kirk has always has been there. 

And there he will remain, even though Spock has no intention of telling him about this discovery. Kirk is well set upon his path in life. He has recovered from whatever jolt meeting Spock again might have dealt him. Spock likes to think it is a slight one, but he is pragmatic enough to know that Kirk had still harbored some emotional connection. 

But he also believes Kirk is past it now. He's firmly set as captain and he will continue to serve Starfleet well. Spock has no intention of causing anything to disrupt Kirk now that he has established himself in Starfleet. He has never wanted to cause Kirk any harm or pain. If this can help in anyway, he will remain silent.

It will not be a hardship. It is enough to be at Kirk's side, to be trusted and thought of affectionately even after everything between them. And he is. He can tell even just being in the same room as Kirk. There is something between them; there will always be something between them. Spock will no longer waste any effort in pretending this isn't so.

He will simply let it exist.

Spock exhales, letting the confession reverberate through his very soul. He takes another sip of tea, sitting there in the dark, thinking of what comes next.

Part 10:_ I Believe, This is Real_

The mission was a close call, like many they’ve experienced since coming aboard the Enterprise. Kirk showers, tries to eat. Restlessness won’t let him alone, like the brush with death this time left him fidgety, unable to concentrate. He’s not assigned to the bridge this shift, which is just as well. He can’t focus on one damn thing.

At last he decides to go down to the gym. Since accepting the captaincy of the Enterprise he’s kept his workout regime to a very strict schedule. If he misses a chance he doesn’t make it up. No matter what Bones says. Kirk knows why he does it. There’s no need to dwell on it. No matter how much he’s able to push aside his previous long ago feelings for Spock, the gym is one place it’s more than a little difficult.

So tonight when he walks through the doors and sees his first officer at one of the workout stations, he hesitates. Even if he could have suppressed his emotions sufficiently this time, thinking about the last time they were here, the time he realized Spock had made a fool out of him, been learning his feelings all that time, Kirk stops in the doorway.

Spock halts in his exercises and then, “Captain.”

“Mr. Spock,” Kirk says. He still hesitates. There’s no one else in this gym.

“If you would prefer me to go.” Spock rises from the bench. He’s wearing that same black t-shirt and his standard uniform pants and it brings to mind a hundred unbidden memories that Kirk has kept faithfully hidden in his private fantasies.

_Spock moving above him with that look of concentration._

_Spock gazing at him as he held his hand, now he knows what that look was for._

_Spock – cool and distant, not looking at him from his father’s side._

Kirk swallows.

“No, that’s not necessary, Spock.” He walks past the wrestling mat towards the weights. He starts his rep routine, aware of Spock’s presence in the corner of his eye, still at first, and then slowly moving again.

_It’s been years_, Kirk thinks_, get a grip._

He continues to exercise, moving on to the stretching machine, trying to keep his normal pace, but he still can’t concentrate here either. Not with Spock so close and so far in one breath.

_This is awful_, Kirk thinks. If he can’t concentrate here, if he can’t manage this emotional response (_see Spock, I still remember what you call it_) then maybe he should just resign after all. He’s not fit to be captain, if he can’t control this. But if he doesn’t have the Enterprise, what does he have? Nothing. That’s what.

Abruptly, he stops and leaves the stretching machine. He’ll shower and go back to his cabin and read…or maybe compose a resignation letter. No, he’ll talk to Bones. That’s what he’ll do.

He keeps his gaze averted from Spock as he heads down to the shower unit. He steps in, starts the steam going as he starts to undress, then pauses when he hears footsteps behind him. Kirk waits for Spock to proceed on to the next unit. When he doesn’t, Kirk wets his lips, gazing at the door with silent longing.

Spock presses the entrance button and enters the same unit, the door closing behind him. They’re standing face to face, unbearably close.

Kirk wets his lips, forcing himself to speak. “You seem to be in the wrong shower unit, Mr. Spock.”

“Would you prefer me to leave, Captain?”

“That’s not…” Kirk pauses. “Why, Spock?”

“You nearly died today.” Spock says after a moment.

“I’ve nearly died a lot of days, Spock.” Kirk says. “It probably won’t be the last.”

“I am aware of that.” Spock responds. “The fact of the matter is, if you were no longer captain of the Enterprise…If you were no longer here aboard this ship, I would find my time here…lacking.”

Kirk blinks. “I…I appreciate the sentiment.” He waits, but that seems to be all Spock has planned to say and by now Kirk just wants to be done here. He wants to shower and go.

“If there’s nothing else.”

“You took an unnecessary risk.” Spock tells him.

“That’s part of the job.”

Spock takes a step towards him. “Unnecessary.” He repeats. “You chose to follow that tip and save those people.”

“Somebody had to.” Kirk shifts awkwardly and bumps back against the wall of the shower unit. There’s nowhere to go. The steam is getting hotter.

“No, they did not.” Spock’s moved even closer and now Kirk is fully aware of the compactness of the shower unit. It’s brought Spock into even closer proximity. “It was a choice.”

“You chose.” Spock repeats.

“Spock.” Kirk starts only to be utterly and completely shocked by Spock moving even closer until their chests are practically touching.

“If you had died, my life would be empty. The universe would be lacking.”

If there’s anything he’s supposed to say to that, Kirk has no idea what it is.

And then Spock kisses him and time slows down to an endless heartbeat. All the things that Kirk should be thinking about Spock’s kissing him (_Why now? Does this mean Spock feels like he does?)_ fly out of his mind. Nothing matters except Spock is kissing him.

So he kisses back. Spock’s head tilts just right, as his hand comes up to cup the back of Kirk’s head. He’s touching Kirk and the awareness of that ripples through Kirk’s body. He reaches out to touch Spock, his hands returning to familiar territory after such a long long absence. They’re leaning against the wall which is good (he realizes on some level), because otherwise he would have fallen. He doesn’t know how he’s still standing.

The steaminess of the heated air is drowning him. Kirk’s sweating through his t-shirt. The steam of the shower unit just grows hotter, the longer Spock kisses him, his hands touching Kirk’s chest, his arms, his hips, melting into Kirk's body.

“Spock.” He’d forgotten how warm Spock was. He should ask questions, he should. He doesn’t.

Spock’s hands just pull at his clothes until he’s shirtless and then his pants are gone as well. Spock easily removes his t-shirt as well, and now Kirk’s lost for words.

He’s tried. He’s done his best, to be a good captain, to not focus on this feeling that has been lost to him. But he’s remembered everything. The memories though, are of a youth – graceful, lithe and beautiful as the stars. The Spock of his memories is perfect, beyond reproach, but the man standing in front of him is magnificent.

Spock finishes removing his own pants, and pushes Kirk up against the wall once more. Their clothes are forgotten on the bench. The steam settles on them like a second skin.

Then Spock’s hand moves between his legs and Kirk groans. This, oh how has he forgotten this? The way that Spock understood his body. The way that he seemed to know everything Kirk was feeling.

Kirk freezes.

Because now he knows exactly how Spock knew that, and this time he’s not some dumb kid just to be take advantage of.

“Jim?” Spock draws back slightly to look at him with questioning eyes.

Kirk stares at him. He can count on one hand, or he could previously, the amount of times Spock had called him by his first name. Now, since they’ve been serving together, it’s grown more usual, but he still treasures it, damnit.

He swallows, too aware of their nakedness, of what easily could have happened, of Spock’s hands touching him right now. He brushes at them, needing space, and Spock stops touching him immediately.

“Why’re you doing this?”

“I thought I had explained sufficiently.”

“Yeah, well you thought wrong.” Kirk grabs at his pants. “I’m going to give you exactly 24 hours, mister, to come up with a decent explanation. If you can’t, then I don’t want you to ever mention this to me again. Understood?”

Spock nods stiffly. “Understood, captain.”

“Good.” Kirk reaches for his shirt and nearly trips over the door in his eagerness to escape.

The regulated air in the hallway feels refreshing after the claustrophobic steamy space. Oh god, what had he done? Spock had kissed him for christake and what had he done?

* * *

He strides straight into the medical bay without pausing, still putting on his shirt as he comes through the door.

Bones at him thoughtfully. “Something I can help you with?”

Kirk just stands there. How can he even begin to explain what just happened? He takes a gulp of air, aware of the clamminess of his clothes now, touching his damp skin.

“Looks like your shower disagreed with you.” Bones observes.

He can imagine what Spock would say to that ‘Excellent observation, doctor.’

Finally Kirk sinks into a seat. “Bones, I think I just made a terrible mistake.”

“What’d you do now?”

“I let….I…” What had he done? Spock had touched him again willingly and he had freaked out and halted it because he was too damn paranoid now.

“He touched me,” is all he can manage. “Spock.”

“Spock.” Bones’s brow knits itself in confusion. “He touches you all the time. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the fellow enjoyed touching you.”

“Would you?” Kirk says. “I mean, would you really?” Was there a reason behind all this that could be explained? Something he’d understand?

“What’s this all about, Jim?”

“I don’t know, that’s the trouble. We agreed not to talk about the past, and I’ve done that. I honored that agreement ever since we set off. And it’s been fine. More than fine.”

It didn’t matter that he yearned for more, deep down. Spock’s friendship was more valuable than any other romantic relationship Kirk had ever known. But he knows how it could have been, how it could have been more. He tries not to think of a life when they could have attended the academy together. That would have been… He pushes the picture away from his mind.

“Jim?”

“Spock kissed me, and I kissed him back.” That’s simplifying things.

“I see.” Bones blinks. “And then what?”

“Then I came to my sense and got the hell out of there. What do you think happened?”

“Judging from the state of you, a little more than kissing.” Bones coughs. “But let me get this straight. You and Spock had a teenage dream romance, (you remember it fondly even if you think he doesn’t) only to wind up meeting again and now that Spock wants to rekindle things, you’re putting on the brakes.”

“A handbasket of mixed metaphors there, but yeah. What do you expect me to do? Welcome him back with open arms after he broke my heart?” Besides he has no guarantee that Spock truly wants to begin anew.

Bones’s eyebrows went all the way up. “I expected you to handle it like the captain of a starship, and not a goddamn teenager anymore, carrying a burnt-out torch, which you clearly are.”

“So what?” Kirk grinds out. “Just because I do still care for him, does that mean I’m supposed to leap for joy when he decides to do something?”

“I expect you to ask why now.” Bones says mildly. “Did he say anything about that?”

“He said….the world would be empty without me in it.” Kirk remembers.

Bones sits back in his chair and just looks at him. “Are you telling me that that Vulcan said the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard and you walked out on him?” His tone is incredulous.

“It wasn’t like that.” Kirk begins, then stops. Was it like that? Was that Spock’s way of declaring his feelings. But if it was, why hadn’t he…Kirk groans and puts his head in his hands. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Think very carefully about what you want, Jim. And then the two of you need to talk.”

“What I want…is Spock.” Kirk says before he can think about what that means.

“Then tell him that.”

“I’ve stuck my neck out before here. I don’t much like having to keep doing it.”

Bones just shakes his head. “Never took you for a coward.”

“Hey.”

“You love him, lord knows why, and yet when he makes a move, you run like hell. Why, why really?”

_What if it doesn’t last? What if it’s like before. What if he breaks my heart again?_ It sounds corny as hell to say it aloud, but it's true. That’s what he’s afraid of, deep down. It hurt like hell the first time he lost Spock. Having it happen a second time would kill him.

"How can I believe it won't happen again?" Kirk whispers.

"Well there's no guarantee of that, sure. But there's no guarantee of that with anyone, Jim."

"I know that. Don't you think I know that? But with Spock, it's different. It's all tangled together, and it still hurts when I remember...if he had just said goodbye, Bones, given me a reason, anything at all, for why he just had to leave like that."

"I guess the point is can you accept that he didn't. Can you accept that he's here now, Jim?”

Through his heart’s misery, those words resonate in Kirk’s mind. Spock's here now. Through all their adventures together, the discovery of Jim's past, the confession of his telepathy…Spock is still here.

He could have left when Jim has been given command of the enterprise and instead, he had stayed. Even if he hadn't wanted to get involved right at the beginning, he had stayed beside Kirk this whole time.

* * *

Spock stands in front of Kirk’s door. He has one chance to try to explain again. He has no plan here, he thought he had said it clearly.

He’d thought…Illogically, foolishly, he’d thought it would be enough to go to Kirk. In that moment he had thought it would be enough. Now he doesn’t know.

He takes a deep breath and knocks on the captain’s door.

* * *

Kirk stands in his chambers, chewing his lower lip as he waits. Now that they’re finally going to discuss this, he’s no longer sure about his course of action. The memory of Spock and him in the steam room assails him and he squashes it firmly.

As he thinks about it…Spock had had the advantage all these years and ever since they set off the mission together. For whatever reason Spock had deemed it suitable to make a move yet again. The question is, Jim muses, why? Why go to all that effort, if it were effort? Simply for research? Scientific purpose? Why now?

The knock at his door draws him to attention. “Come.”

The door opens and Spock enters. “Captain.”

“Mr. Spock.” Kirk pauses, before turning to face his first officer. Spock as always looks implacable.

Kirk waits, trying to ascertain if Spock is going to say something on his own behalf, but Spock remains silent.

Very well. “After the time on Starbase 7,” Kirk begins, “As you’ve previously referred to that time, after it’s long over and done with.” _Lies_, his heart whispers, _pure lies_. “you…made a move on me.” He finishes at a loss.

“I did.” Spock confirms.

“Why?” Kirk asks. “Why would you do that, after…?”

“After?” Spock prompts curiously.

“After leaving without even saying goodbye. For that matter, after everything we’ve gone through on the Enterprise. Why now?”

After Spock had left, he’d thrown himself wholeheartedly into Starfleet, done his damned best to excel and he had. If he hadn’t let himself care about anyone for a while after, well, that was his emotional hangup, not Spock’s. But now, why would Spock do this now?

He gazes at Spock. How can he trust him after that? And yet when he looks at Spock, it’s Spock. How can he not trust Spock? Everything in him trusts Spock. He’d trust Spock to the end of the galaxy and back again.

“Captain, if I may…” Spock pauses, lapsing hesitantly into silence once more.

“Goddamnit, Spock.” Kirk turns away before he can try to say anything.

“Jim.”

Kirk doesn’t turn around.

“I had believed that I had expressed things adequately when we were in the shower unit, but now I see that I did not.”

“Spock,” Kirk turns around to face him now.

“Jim, if I may.” Spock keeps going. “As I told you previously, that was a near death experience on the planet. It made me realize the value I place on our time together and would regret it immensely If you were no longer there.”

Again, it’s Spock’s turn to pause there, and Kirk considers whether he should try to say something, or if not, but he still doesn’t know what to say.

Spock gathers himself, continues speaking. “When I left you on Starbase 7 without a word of farewell, I thought I was doing the correct thing. My father was ready to depart and I failed to find the words to tell him that I had made an acquaintance that mattered a great deal to me. I wanted to go to Starfleet, but had never allowed myself to envision it as a reality before meeting you. I did not know how to say goodbye. This was mostly because I had no desire to do so.”

There Spock pauses more significantly.

When Kirk still says nothing, he finally goes on. “My life has been full of satisfying work, and interesting research. But none of this would have happened if I had never met you.”

“Jim.” Spock moves to stand closer in front of him now. “You‘ve made my life so much fuller…and it’s because I care for you. Much more than I ever thought possible. And I would be remiss if I did not speak up. If you don’t share these emotions, then of course it’s…”

“It’s not that, Spock. It’s…”

Spock cocks his head, waiting. “So you do share them.”

At this Kirk’s almost trying not to smile, but he’s still unsure. Maybe he is a coward after all. So Spock left because he was a teenager, basically, a Vulcan teenager no less, which was possibly even more stressful than being a human one. And he joined Starfleet because of meeting Jim. He had stayed on the Enterprise with Jim. And last, but not least, he thought the universe would be lacking without Jim.

Kirk takes a deep breath. “Do you really have to ask?”

Spock raises an eyebrow. “I had not thought so previously based on your physical response in the shower, but since then my certainty has lessened slightly.”

Kirk blushes in spite of himself. “So you care for me.”

“Yes.” Spock affirms.

This is surreal. In all his daydreams, it had never happened like this.

“Then your purpose in telling me this just so I’ll know it? That you care for me?”

Spock blinks. “Well, yes.”

“Okay,” Kirk nods. “You told me. That’s good to know. I care about you too, Spock.” He can do this and maintain his dignity.

“Jim.”

Kirk freezes as Spock raises a hand to stop within an inch from his face, as though he can’t allow himself to touch him yet. “I did not inform you of this simply so that you would possess the knowledge.”

“Oh?” Kirk manages.

“I desire…a coexistence with you. To continue as we have been during our year on the Enterprise, with the intimacy of our previous time.” Finally his fingers brush Kirk’s cheek, gently, as though they’re seeking permission to linger there, to belong.

“I want you, Jim Kirk, as my mate.”

Kirk’s finding it difficult to breathe. This is a dream. It has to be a dream. It’s not real. He’s going to wake up and Spock’s going to be standing all the way on the other side of the bridge, out of reach as ever.

Spock steps back, abruptly breaking contact with him. “I apologize if this is overwhelming for you. I fear my actions are too intense after restraining them for so long.”

“Spock.”

Spock gazes at him with intense, burning eyes.

Kirk stares at him, taking in every aspect of his expression. “What do you want to do right now?”

“I wish to kiss you.”

He’s forgotten this, how good it feels, the dizzying effect to have Spock want him like this, to want to kiss him. He wets his lips, but all he gets out is a wordless murmur.

As though he’s been waiting for this, Spock moves closer and presses his mouth firmly upon Kirk’s.

Heat, an overwhelmingly surge of heat floods Kirk. His hands tremble as Spock wraps his fingers around Kirk’s. They’re melting into each other and they fall backward onto the bed. Spock straddles him, hands slipping down under Kirk’s shirt, his hands roaming over Kirk’s chest.

Kirk’s got his hands on Spock’s back, sliding down to grasp Kirk’s backside, pulling him more against him. This is real. Spock’s here, Spock wants him. Spock wants to be with him, and how is any of this real?

Kirk gasps as Spock draws his shirt up and leans down to mouth at his right nipple. The heat of his tongue elicits a moan from Kirk. His cock’s swollen in his pants and then Spock reaches down and undoes his pants. Jim sits back, trying to regain his breath. Is Spock really going to do what he thinks he is?

Apparently so.

Spock slinks down his thighs and murmurs. “Tell me what you want.”

“Pretty sure you know what I want.” Kirk aware of how needy he sounds. He has wanted this for so long, Spock has to know that, right?

Spock pauses, drawing back and leaning on his thighs, and again, Kirk remembers the touch telepathy. He feels like a fool.

He closes his eyes, flushed in embarrassment. There’s a soft, hot kiss on his thigh.

“There is nothing to be embarrassed about,” Spock says firmly. “Your emotions do you credit – you have proven yourself to be a steadfast partner.”

“You sure know how to sweet talk a man.” Kirk murmurs.

“Perhaps actions will speak louder than words.” Spock says simply and slips Kirk’s cock into his mouth. His hands grip his back, slipping under him to cup his ass.

Kirk moans as Spock grips him. He’s been devoured, consumed and he’s utterly swept away until he’s lost. His stamina disappears and he’s coming helplessly in a sweeping rush down Spock’s throat. It’s been too long.

Kirk opens his eyes, aware that Spock is moving over him that he’s saying something as he kisses Kirk again.

“Jim, I would like to meld with you.” Spock’s body moves over Jim’s, rubbing against him and then Spock gasps silently and Jim’s aware of warmth spreading over his thighs. He reaches for Spock, drawing him down to kiss him again.

* * *

Spock lies beside him, one arm over his side possessively, gazing at Kirk.

“What you said…” Kirk licks his lips. He’s never even allowed himself to dream about melding with Spock. It was so far out of reach. “Is that true?”

“I do wish to meld with you.” Spock says finally. “It was more difficult than I thought to contain myself.”

“So why haven’t you?”

Spock sits up, naked. “Let me explain.” He looks at Kirk lying in bed and feels an inexplicable urge to kiss him again. So he does.

And then he gets up and goes to the replicator to make them both some tea.

Kirk’s sitting up when he returns. He raises an eyebrow as Spock hands him a cup.

“You asked once what happened to the Vulcan academy.” Spock begins once he’s seated on the bed again, his bare knee touching Kirk’s.

“That was months ago.” Kirk points out.

“I know.”

“Is this time lag going to be a constant conversational occurrence? Cause if so, I might need a chart.”

Spock places his hand on Kirk’s knee and he shuts up.

“Long before then, I dreamed of attending Starfleet. It seemed an unreachable goal, and an illogical one. The Vulcan Science Academy was my father’s choice.”

“I told you once, how I saw you across a library, and how I wondered how it would feel to have your gaze upon myself.” Spock pauses. “And since then, I have had it. I had it in those days on Starbase 7, and I have it now. At any hour of the day I can look at you, and more often than that, your gaze will be upon me, or you look over in answer.”

Kirk takes this moment to blush, but Spock continues without acknowledging it. “It is strange. I know myself to be a capable member of Starfleet, as both a first and science officer.”

Kirk opens his mouth to complain, but Spock’s look makes him shut it again.

“I have no false modesty, captain. I am merely stating the facts.”

“Well.” Kirk shrugs. In his mind Spock is far more than merely capable. He’s extraordinary. Also it’s more than a little hot to have Spock call him captain while they’re both naked.

“What I am attempting to say is merely…when I see you looking at me, I feel as though I am capable of anything in the universe. “ Spock pauses again. “It is an extraordinary feeling, and one that could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Meeting you is the reason I had the courage and fortitude to disobey my father’s wishes and apply to Starfleet instead of simply attending the Vulcan Science Institute as I was supposed to.”

“Spock, I,”

Spock shakes his head. “No, it is simply this. You are, without a doubt, the finest captain I have ever encountered. To a certain degree the future is indeed uncertain. But I have little doubt that you will always remain the finest captain I have ever served. And I will be happy to do so as long as I live.”

There’s a lump in Kirk’s throat. He’s not sure he’s capable of speech, if he’s capable of anything. What he wants most is to take Spock’s hands in his and pull him close, to close that gap between them once and for all.

Instead he straightens up and swallows, briskly. “Thank you, Mr. Spock.”

“You are entirely welcome, captain.” Spock nods at him and smiles.

Kirk starts laughing then, he can’t help it. He sets his tea down and reaches for Spock who hastily sets his tea aside as well to avoid spilling it on their naked limbs.

* * *

Kirk slides his fingers in-between Spock’s slowly, feeling the shudder from deep within Spock’s chest. He flexes his fingers, drawing them together. Every drag and brush of his fingers against Spock’s is intimate in a new way. Now he knows what’s doing, what he was doing all those times he reached for Spock’s hands back then. Kirk brushes his thumb over the center of Spock’s palm, stroking his skin with soft light strokes. Spock shudders again. He places his palm flat to Spock’s, feeling the heat from his skin rise. The press of their fingers, resting tip to tip is electrifying, even for Kirk.

“Jim.”

“Let me.” Kirk says, reaching for his other hand and drawing it up to his lips. He kisses the heart of Spock’s palm, licking up between his fingers. He slides his tongue slowly in-between Spock’s fingers, taking his time with each stroke.

Spock’s breathing faster as he watches Kirk. Kirk takes the opportunity to kiss his way across Spock’s knuckles. Each brush of his lips over Spock’s skin makes Spock more aroused and restless.

Kirk gazes in wonder at him, the arousal swelling between his legs. This is all from touching Spock’s hands. It’s amazing. He’s dying to know if he can make Spock come just from this. He makes a circle between his finger and thumb, sliding it over Spock’s thumb, stroking him slowly before he licks it with the tip of his tongue.

_“Jim.”_

His breath comes quicker and quicker, and Kirk leans closer to suck his middle finger into his mouth, wrapping his tongue around it.

Spock gasps and spills over Kirk’s thigh.

Kirk sits back, grinning at him with a satisfied expression.

When Spock recovers he looks at Kirk with almost a resigned expression.

“How was that?” Kirk asks innocently.

“I have done my utmost to control myself these past seventeen years.” Spock murmurs, stroking Kirk’s face. “You were… you _are_, most unexpected.”

Kirk grins. “That’s what my mother said.”

Spock just shakes his head in amusement. He leans in to kiss Kirk’s mouth.

Laying him back upon the bed, he slowly works his way down Kirk’s chest, kissing first one nipple and then the second. He lets his teeth graze the aroused tip, concealing his smile at Kirk’s sharp intake of breath.

“Spock,” Kirk’s words fade to a groan as Spock licks along the curve of his hip.

“It’s only fair that I take my time with you as you did with me.” He says reasonably.

Kirk’s protest is lost as Spock takes him in his mouth with painstaking care.

* * *

“How was that an explanation about the melding?” Kirk asks sometime later.

Spock is silent for a moment, gazing at him before speaking.

“You have no reason to trust me.” Spock says at last. “I have given you every possible reason not to ever put your trust in anything I say or do.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” Kirk says, half as a joke, but when he sees Spock means it, he drops it. “That’s absurd. You think I won’t be able to trust you? Now?”

“How can you do so, fully?” Spock presses him. “After everything?” And yet he can feel it in Kirk’s body as they lie next to each other.

“But I do.” Kirk gazes at him. “You are an intelligent resourceful first officer, that I know would do anything necessary to fulfill his duty. You were a kid back then, Spock.”

“Nevertheless, my actions hurt you.” Spock refrains from pointing out he was that by Vulcan standards he was old enough to know better.

Kirk glances down. His cheekbones are strained slightly. He’s still emotional in similar ways to the boy Spock knew. “Yes, it hurt, but…”

How can he explain that every day since then, every day they’re on the ship together simply makes his heart glad? If he were able to tell his younger self that this was waiting in the future, he wouldn’t have been nearly so devastated…

Oh, that’s a lie. It still would have hurt like the dickens, but he would have had something to anticipate. To look forward to. Nevertheless, they’re here now and that’s all that matters to him.

“It’s all right now.” He leans forward. “Spock, I’m so very glad you’re here on the Enterprise. If I had to choose between being happy back then and happy now, I would choose now.”

“That, captain, is only natural.” Spock says. “The satisfaction of the present is always preferable to the memories of the past, no matter how enjoyable those memories might have been.”

Kirk just shakes his head, laughing. “Spock, what I’m trying to say.”

“Are you truly happy?” Spock interrupts. His eyes pierce Kirk to the core.

“No man is 100% happy all the time.” Kirk reasons.

“But you, Jim…” Spock persists. “Are you happy?”

Kirk hesitates. But if there is one thing Spock has always wanted it’s honesty, to understand something in its entirety.

“No.” he admits. “Not entirely. Not yet. But.”

His voice trails off as Spock places his hand over Kirk’s. It’s warm to the touch and Kirk stares at it as he feels the emotion there, the emotion running through him. Spock’s emotion.

“And now?” Spock inquires after a moment and Kirk is still merely gazing at their hands.

“Very happy.” Kirk says.

Spock nods. His fingers rest closely against Kirk’s before he turns them over to lie palm to palm.

Kirk gazes at the stars. It’s only a matter of time. He’s sure of it now. Spock knows. He’s remembered how it feels when they were young.

His fingers slide over Kirk’s. Kirk smiles at him. “You know-."

Spock doesn’t let him finish and his other hand closes over Kirk’s cock. “Kiss me again.”

The universe is beautiful, spread out like this. As long as he lived Kirk would never forget this moment, lying here with Spock at his side, watching the stars travel by in the endless night of space, an infinity of riches for their viewing pleasure.

He's grateful for everything, but in this moment here, he’s content.

* * *

He brushes his fingers over Kirk’s face. “This will only last a few hours.”

“All right.”

“Just to see if we are indeed compatible.” This is just a test, Spock reminds himself.

“I’m pretty sure we’re compatible.” Kirk murmurs.

“Mentally.” Spock whispers. “Not physically. I am fully aware of how compatible we are in that regard.”

In all honesty he knows they’re mentally compatible as well. It’s simply that he doesn’t want Kirk to regret this choice. If it doesn’t go well, then…he probably won't have made things worsse.

He presses his fingers to Kirk’s face, watching his eyes as he murmurs the words to create the link.

Kirk’s eyes widen and then his lips part shallowly as though he’s trying to draw a breath.

The awareness is what shows Spock it works. The awareness in Kirk’s mind, reaching out for him. The tendrils of emotion curled around the link.

Kirk simply reaches for him and kisses him, and oh, there are no words for how that feels. Kissing Kirk, knowing Kirk feels how much he loves it, how much Spock loves –

Kirk pulls off with a gasp, gazing at him in wonder.

“You knew how I feel.” Spock gazes at him. “Didn’t you believe it?”

“Yes...but it’s different feeling it now.” Kirk says, breathlessly. He just shakes his head, like he still can’t believe it.

“Yes.” Spock murmurs. It’s different. Do you like it? A simplified question for such an important matter.

Kirk places his hand over Spock’s and the answering _yes_ is astounding.

* * *

Of course that’s still not a total answer to the mind-melding. The temporary one was incredible but…Kirk still desires more. He wants that intimacy with Spock all the time.

It’s also incredible to go about their daily duties and know that Spock will come to his room at the end of their shifts, and they will play chess like always, and then at the end of the game, Spock will give him a look across the board and well…that look only means one thing.

Kirk hides a yawn behind his hand and catches Bones looking at him with a curious expression. Oh, yeah. He meant to talk to Bones, but it still feels so new.

Bones strolls over to his chair and looks at him.

“What?”

“Funny I was going to ask you the same question. What’s with you?”

“What do you mean?” Kirk looks at him innocently.

“I mean there’s something peculiar about you these last few days. You almost look…” Bones gives him another critical look and then his eyes widen. “Jim.”

“What?”

“Are you and Spock…” He pauses, looks around and then hisses, “Well, _you and Spock_.”

All Kirk can do is grin in response.

Bones lets out a slow whistle. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“You’re the one who told me to go for it.” Kirk hisses back under his breath.

Bones cracks a grin then. “I know, I’m just teasing you.” He bumps Kirk’s shoulder. “Happy for you, Jim.”

“Thanks, Bones.” Kirk feels the flush of happiness spreading across his face again. He can’t help it, and he doesn’t care. He’s truly happy.

* * *

Later that day, Spock enters the medbay and looks around. There is nothing making him do this, but he thinks it’s necessary all the same.

Bones glances up from his desk. “What can I do for you, Spock?”

“I believe I owe you thanks, doctor.” That should be sufficient and yet he still lingers. For some reason he wants to see what McCoy thinks of this development.

Bones sits back in his chair and just looks at him. “Is that right?” He sounds skeptical, and for once Spock can’t really fault him.

“Yes.” Spock pauses. “Something you said a while ago gave me perspective on a matter and it helped me a great deal. It will not be forgotten.” Now he turns to go.

“Spock, am I hearing you correctly?” Bones stares at him. “Are you saying..” He breaks off and stares harder at Spock who keeps his face entirely composed.

“Well, then.” Bones clears his throat. “It goes without saying if you break his heart this this time I’ll kill you myself.”

“Doctor if I do that…” Spock pauses. “Please believe me when I say I have no intention of doing so.”

“I do believe you.” McCoy says after a moment. “That’s the damn thing of it.”

He gets out his brandy. “We’re going to drink a toast, you and I.”

“Really doctor, that’s not necessary.”

“I think it is.” McCoy declares. “it’s not often two people who are stubborn as hell and who also are so head over heels in love with each other actually realize it in time not to waste their lives.” He hands Spock a brandy. “To you and Jim. I think the two of you will be very happy.”

Spock raises his glass. “Thank you, doctor. I do believe you are correct.”

* * *

Of course, the glow from the temporary meld passes eventually, and as a week goes by and then another, and Spock makes no mention of truly melding, Kirk gets a little antsy.

“Why doesn’t he want to meld with me?” He’s pacing in Bone’s quarters after their shift.

“Jim. You just got together…maybe give it a rest.” Bones had thought being together would be good for them, but honestly it just makes the two of them more annoying at times. He keeps this opinion to himself.

“Bones,” Kirk spreads his hands. “You know me.”

“Yeah, unfortunately I do.” Bones sighs.

“Thanks. It’s just patience isn’t my strong point.”

“All I’m saying is, you got Spock to admit he loves you. Isn’t that enough?”

Kirk pauses. Maybe it should be, maybe he should want it to be, but he still wants more. Maybe that makes him greedy, but he doesn’t care. “If he’s bonded to me, we’ll be together forever.” The words just slip out.

Bones just looks at him. “Oh, Jim.”

Kirk shakes his head. “I know, I know.”

He’s not going to push Spock into it. Spock loves him. As Bones says, isn’t that enough?

* * *

“Something Is preoccupying your mind.” Spock observes.

“Mmm. Sometimes I do have to concentrate to beat you, you know.” Kirk doesn’t look up from the chess board.

“Then you’re not concentrating hard enough.” Spock says, claiming one of Kirk’s knights.

Kirk studies the board and then looks at him. “I just keep…thinking about us.” He says finally. “About the mind meld.” _You said you wanted to meld me. You showed me what it was like_.

“The permanent mind-meld is not something to be taken lightly.” Spock says. “You were there on Vulcan. You saw what it meant when T’Pring wanted to break the betrothal.”

“Of course.” Kirk pauses. “Is it cause you think we’re not going to last? Is that it?”

Spock hesitates. "I would meld with you tomorrow. Even now."

"What's holding you back?"

"It's a strong bond. It is similar to being married, but the bond is mental as well as physical. Breaking it would cause great damage." He looks at Kirk. "You would wish to share this bond with me?"

Kirk reaches for his hand. "You tell me." He places his palm flat against Spock's.

Spock inhales sharply as he stares at Kirk. The rush of love surging forth from Kirk can't possibly be false. Love and desire and hope and, he presses harder, trying to ascertain the last fluttering emotion. Fear, or rather trepidation - a faint thread of worry running through Kirk's thoughts.

He looks at Kirk. "You want this, and yet you’re worried about melding with me?"

"That's what you picked up?" Kirk looks amazed. He gets up from the table, trying to make sense of this.

"It's faint, but there." Spock hesitates. "It's not the strongest emotion."

Kirk gives him a nod, considering. "I'm worried because...what if you regret it."

_You left before._

Spock rises as well, going to Kirk. He places his hand on Kirk’s shoulder. "I didn't leave because I didn't care for you. I left without saying goodbye because I didn't know how to tell my father that I had met someone that mattered a great deal. It was my cowardice and frustration that caused me to leave without telling you goodbye,"

He pauses. "What I am trying to tell you, very belatedly, is that I am sorry for how we parted. And it is my truest wish that it will never happen again."

Kirk simply lifts his arms to lock around Spock's neck and kiss him. That tells Spock everything he needs to know.

* * *

They retire to Kirk’s bed, stretching out beside each other. Kirk’s lazily stroking the back of Spock’s hand while Spock draws him closer into the curve of his arm, nestling his face into Kirk’s hair. He breathes in the scent of Kirk’s skin. It’s familiar, calming. 

“During the time on Vulcan. I very nearly lost control. I never want anything that happens with you to be because I am careless or not on in control. I want things to be intentioned between us.” He looks down at his hand, at Kirk touching him. “I dislike lack of control intensely.”

“I get that.” Kirk murmurs. “But at the same time…if you hadn’t been trying to kill me. It would have been extremely hot.” He had intended to keep this discussion serious, but it had just slipped out. He couldn’t help it.

Spock raises his eyebrow. “That is the nature of Vulcan, yes.”

Kirk rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean.” He pulls free of the embrace and Spock lets him, watching as Kirk crosses the room to pour himself a drink.

“You’re telling me that you were aroused by that day in spite of the violence.” Spock pauses, “Or indeed, partly because of it?”

“I’ve always known how strong you are.” Kirk takes a sip and faces him. “That very first day you pinned my wrists to the mat and stuck your knee between my legs…”

“I was simply following a course of action I thought would lead to an amenable situation.” Spock tells him.

“And it sure did.” Kirk coughs into his drink. He sets it aside. “But you also could have held me down right then and there and fucked me and I would have been fine with it.”

Spock’s eyes glitter darkly. “Is that so?”

“Yeah.” Kirk swallows.

“And you would enjoy this even more now, I gather.” Spock’s gaze rakes coolly over his body. “Judging by the state of your arousal.”

“Spock.” Kirk bites back a groan. “Yes, damnit. That doesn’t mean.”

Spock rises, reaching for him. He takes Kirk’s wrist, wrapping his fingers around it.

Kirk swallows tightly.

“Come with me.” Spock says softly. He leads Kirk back over to the bed. “Lie down.”

Kirk swallows again, and then dares say it anyway. “Make me.”

Spock looks at him for a long moment. “If at any time...”

“I’ll tell you.” Kirk breaks in. “You have my word.”

Spock breathes a little easier. He knows Kirk is a man of his word. He can trust him in this.

He looks at Kirk, and places his hands on his chest, pushing him backwards upon the bed. Kirk’s legs hit the bed and he falls backward. Spock is upon him in a moment without seemingly have hurried at all. He straddles Kirk, reaching for his wrists and pulling them high above his head.

He cocks his head and looks down at Kirk. “I believe this would go more smoothly if I tied you down.”

Kirk closes his eyes, wetting his lips, trying not to betray how much he wants that. He opens his eyes to look up at Spock and knows he fails utterly.

“Do it.”

Spock binds his wrists to the bed with both their belts, watching Kirk’s chest go taut.

He strokes his hands down Kirk’s chest, all the way down to his groin where he fans them out, framing Kirk’s cock with his palms. Kirk squirms and Spock smiles. Slowly he reaches for the zipper on Kirk’s trousers and pulls it down.

He draws Kirk out slowly, reverently, his gaze hungry and yearning all at once.

Kirk shifts a little. “What are you waiting for?”

“For you to beg me.” Spock says matter-of-factly. He leans in to pull Kirk’s pants and underwear down further, leaving them trapped around his ankles while Spock removes his boots.

Kirk licks his lips and stares at the ceiling. “Please, Spock.”

Spock pulls his pants off, leaving Kirk half naked and bound upon the bed. He gazes down at him as he straddles Kirk’s hips. “Please…?”

Kirk swallows. “Please fuck me.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Fuck me and claim me.” Kirk gulps out, the words spilling across his tongue in their haste to escape.

The smile Spock gives him in return sends a thick rush of heat straight to his groin.

Spock glances down, amused. Some things it would appear, never change.

* * *

He spreads Kirk’s legs wide as he reaches for the lube. Slipping two slicked fingers inside Kirk, he watches the expression on Kirk’s face as he stretches him. From the very first time Kirk had allowed him to do this, to this moment now, Spock has never taken this intimacy for granted. It is a choice, an act of love and he cherishes it, as he cherishes Jim.

He waits until Kirk’s cock is leaking slightly, aching with need, before he finally removes his fingers. Positioning himself, he grips Kirk’s backside and thrusts in.

The answering groan issuing from Kirk’s lips is sweeter than any music Spock has ever heard. He repeats the motion, desiring to hear it again and again, and is not disappointed.

By the time Kirk’s body clenches tightly around his, Kirk’s chest dripping with sweat and his lower lip bitten through, more than once, Spock is ready to come himself.

He pulls out of Kirk and unties his wrists.

Kirk looks up at him a dazed expression. ”You didn’t come yet.”

“Patience.” Spock murmurs. “I’m not through with you yet.” He smirks at the heat flickering in Kirk’s eyes, before he casually rolls him over on his belly. Then he takes Kirk’s wrists and ties them behind his back with his belt.

Kirk’s groan is muffled into the pillow as Spock smooths his hands down his lower back, coming to rest on his ass. He spreads Kirk’s cheeks almost delicately, before brushing the tip of his cock over Kirk’s waiting hole.

“_Spock_.” Kirk groans again. “Come on.”

“You’ve already come.” Spock reminds him. “What does it matter how long I take?” He rubs against Kirk, feeling the flutter and pulse of him in return.

“Because I want to feel you inside me.” Kirk gasps. “I want you to come inside me. I want…you.”

Spock closes his eyes for a moment, breathing in this moment. And then he grips Kirk’s hips and thrusts in. Kirk draws him in until he’s buried inside him, until he can’t think beyond the heat encompassing his cock. Kirk surrounding and hold him, as Spock moves inside him. He loses track of his thrusts, loses track of time, is only aware of Kirk’s heat when he finally spills inside him. The surge of love rushing forth from Kirk is overwhelming and Spock gasps faintly as it hits him.

Spock slips from Kirk and lies beside him, gazing at him as Kirk turns his head to face him. Sweaty, tousled haired, the smile on Kirk’s lips takes away the need for the question Spock had been about to ask. _Was that too much for you?_

“Kiss me.” Kirk murmurs sleepily.

Spock leans in, clasping the back of Kirk’s neck as he does. If there is this much love between them, even without the meld…what would be the strength of their bond with it?

He unties Kirk’s wrists and they lie there together, holding each other before they fall asleep.

* * *

In the night Spock wakes. He lies there looking at Kirk sleep peacefully. He has loved this human for so long now. He always will. There is no reason not to join with him and keep him close for the rest of his life. 

“I love you.” He murmurs, curling his fingers through Kirk’s hair. “I love you, Jim.” 

He presses a soft kiss to Kirk’s hair and closes his eyes.

* * *

"You sure about this, Jim?" Bones eyes him. "Bonded to one alien for the rest of your life?"

"I'm sure about this much, Bones. I've gone through life without Spock and if I have the chance now to have him in my life for the future...then yes, I want that. More than anything." 

"I believe you do." Bones looks at him. "Go on then, meld away."

"Thanks for your approval." Kirk laughs.

* * *

He and Spock sit facing each other, cross-legged. Spock reaches for Kirk’s hand and places his palm upon it. He smiles slightly at Kirk, feeling the familiar rush of love from him.

Spock takes a deep breath. “Are you ready?”

“Yes.” Kirk tells him.

Spock brings his other hand up to Kirk’s face, fitting his fingertips to the melding points. His hand is warm upon Kirk’s skin.

“My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.” Spock murmurs, “Now and always, bound together through time and space, we are one."

There’s a thick surge of pure emotion between them. Kirk can feel it like he’s never felt anything before. It’s beyond the temporary meld. That was like talking to Kirk over the com compared to this. This was a direct link in his brain, connecting right to Spock’s.

_How do you feel?_

_Do you have to ask?_

Amusement ripples outward and Kirk smiles back. He squeezes his hand against Spock’s, feeling the ripples again.

It takes him a while to realize. The loneliness in the back of his mind, that which was always missing before is there. Spock.

He and Spock together, always, now and forever.

* * *

The next morning Kirk takes the lift up to the bridge. His ship. His crew. His first officer standing there studiously at his science station. His heart gives a little jolt as Spock glances up and nods at him.

Kirk takes his place at the captain’s chair. It’s another day. Just another day, but now. Now everything is perfect. He glances down, smiling. and feels an answering swell of affection.

_Jim, there is no such thing as perfection._

_Oh, I don’t know._ Kirk smirks. _You naked is pretty damn perfect. _He lets a brief montage of their time earlier replay, their shared gasps and moans fading as Spock’s hands had held him, pulling him closer as they moved together.

Spock merely sighs slightly over his science station. Bones catches it and simply rolls his eyes as he walks around the bridge.

Kirk keeps his face completely composed, but he can’t resist one further glance at Spock’s hands before he turns his attention to the stars ahead.


End file.
